Monkey Chan Award Winners

I know it's way overdue but the Monkey Chan Film Awards 2009 have been decided. Winners in bold.

Best Picture
The Wrestler
The Dark Knight

Best Actor
Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)
Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)
Chiwetel Ejiofor (Redbelt)

Best Supporting Actor
Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

Best Actress
Meryl Streep (Doubt)

Best Supporting Actress
Kaori Momoi (Sukiyaki Western Django)
Marissa Tomei (The Wrestler)
Emily Moritimer (Redbelt)

Best Director
Danny Boyle and Loveleen Tandan (Slumdog Millionaire)
Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)
Takashi Miike (Sukiyaki Western Django)
Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino)

Achievement in Cinematography
Toyomichi Kurita (Sukiyaki Western Django)
Wally Pfister (The Dark Knight)
Anthony Dod Mantle (Slumdog Millionaire)

Best Screenplay
John Ajvide Lindqvist (Let the Right One In)
Martin McDonagh (In Bruges)
Takashi Miike and Masa Nakamura (Sukiyaki Western Django)

Lifetime Achievement Award
John Ford
Akira Kurosawa
Elia Kazan

Comic Artist Wanted

Rob and I (Waldo) are looking for an artist regarding a comic book project. If you read the blog you know that we are totally into comics. We have a book that we have been fleshing out for over a year but we have yet to find an artist. We are hoping that is you. So send us a comment or email jwaldowski@gmail.com if you would like some more details. Please note that you can be anywhere in the world and we can we work with you. Internet is awesome that way.

Super Hero Tournament Round 1 Results

Round 1

A lot of these were kind of no brainer fights so I won't get too detailed with those. Here are the results of the first round of the super hero tournament.

Black Bolt defeats Emma Frost by talking.

Unfortunately, Dazzler was able to defeat Nick Fury based on the fact that she is a mutant and he is just a dude.

She Hulk uses her strength and stomps the shit out of Spider Woman.

Captain America tops Bishop because he's the man.

Gambit is able to defeat Night Thrasher because he can make things explode.

Hulk beat Iron Fist because the Hulk is a mutated killing machine and Iron Fist is a half assed ninja. This was in spite of Rob's insistence that Iron Fist could win because he once pulled the heart out of a dragon.

Bucky defeats Chase Stein because he has more going for him than some tricked up gloves.

Ghost Rider over Power Man because Power Man is a lame ass character.

In the first really interesting matchup on the board, Punisher falls in defeat to War Machine. I predict War Machine will get a big head and lose in the second round due to a contract dispute.

Xavier destroys Jubilee, duh!

Iceman encases Namor in a block of ice and that pretty much ended that fight.

Dr. Strange overcomes being distract by Ms. Marvel's incredibly hot ass long enough to send to another dimension.

Nico Minoru casts a spell from her staff that turns the Thing into a mud puddle. Game over.

Wolverine slices up Captain Britian.

Iron Man makes quick work of Angel.

Beast defeats Cloak & Dagger thanks to his powers not sucking.

Moon Knight makes quick work of Kitty Pryde.

Cable easily defeats Ant Man.

Shitty luck Spidey, your senses didn't do a damn thing for you against Thor.

Molly Hayes uses her awesome super strength to beat Rogue half to death.

Now this next fight seemed like a no brainer in Deadpool's favor but the more we thought about the more we realized that the Invisible Woman could just create a force ball surrounding Deadpool and then walk away. Chalk up a win for Sue Richards.

X-23 cuts ribbons through Nova.

Skaar uses his strength advantage to pummel Black Widow into a pulp.

Scarlet Witch pulls the old No More Mutants trick out of her bag to send Colossus packing.

Black Panther tops Hawkeye.

Jean Grey beats Luke Cage proving that brains usually do trump brawn.

In another hotly debated matchup, we decided that Nightcrawler would be able to hit-phase-hit faster than Daredevil could respond.

Hercules beats Mr. Fantastic proving that sometimes brawn does trump brains.

Human Torch sends Black Knight riding off into the sunset.

Wasp defeats Cyclops because she is too small for him to target accurately.Also, Scott Summers is kind of a bitch.

And despite my defense that he is a duck and the perfect matchup for him, it was decided that Storm could defeat Howard the Duck without really trying very hard.

So here are the matchups for round 2.

Black Bolt V. Dazzler
She Hulk v. Captain America
Gambit v. Hulk
Bucky v. Ghost Rider
War Machine v. Xavier
Iceman v. Dr. Strange
Nico v. Penance
Wolverine v. Iron Man
Beast v. Moon Knight
Cable v. Thor
Molly Hayes v. Invisible Woman
X-23 v. Skaar
Scarlet Witch v. Black Panther
Jean Grey v. Night Crawler
Hercules v. Human Torch
Wasp v. Storm

So what do you think will happen? Please feel free to comment and let us know.

Ashlee Adams

Australia's Penthouse Pet of the Year

Ok so there's is this hot hot chick named Ashlee Adams who is in the running for Pet of the Year in Australia's Penthouse. I know this because Ashlee is one of the people I follow on Twitter. You can do the same if you would like right here. Ashlee really really wants to be the pet of the year and I can't think of a more deserving candidate. She is a lot of fun to talk to on Twitter and I know from her tweets that she is more than just another smoking hot piece of ass, she's funny and entertaining as well. So please go vote for her and make her and my day.

You can click on the title of this post or just go here.

Super Hero Tournament

So rob and I were talking about super hero fights. You know, the age old, "If hero A and hero B fought who would win?". As a result of our discussion I decided that we should create a 64 hero tournament to determine the ultimate hero. All of the heroes in our tournament are Marvel heroes because Marvel owns the super hero comic genre. Fuck you DC. There were certain other parameters as well. We did not include any characters that we deemed to be insanely over powered such as Galactus or Silver Surfer. So here are the first round matchups which were determined by the random number generator at random.org We will discuss and post our opinions and then move on to round 2 at some point.


Black Bolt vs. Emma Frost
Dazzler vs. Nick Fury
She Hulk vs. Spider Woman
Captain America vs. Bishop
Night Thrasher vs. Gambit
Iron Fist vs. Hulk
Bucky vs. Chase Stein
Power Man vs. Ghost Rider
War Machine vs. Punisher
Jubilee vs. Xavier
Namor vs. Iceman
Ms. Marvel vs. Dr. Strange
Thing vs. Nico Minoru
Penance vs. Quicksilver
Wolverine vs. Captain Britian
Angel vs. Iron Man

Beast vs. Cloak & Dagger
Kitty Pryde vs. Moon Knight
Ant Man vs. Cable
Spider Man vs. Thor
Rogue vs. Molly Hayes
Deadpool vs. Invisible Woman
Nova vs. X-23
Skaar vs. Black Widow
Colossus vs. Scarlet Witch
Black Panther vs. Hawkeye
Jean Grey vs. Luke Cage
Daredevil vs. Nightcrawler
Hercules vs. Mister Fantastic
Black Knight vs. Human Torch
Cyclops vs. Wasp
Storm vs. Howard the Duck

The Monkey Chans

As I'm sure all of our legion of fans are aware, the Monkey Chan winners have not been announced. I apologize for this but there have been some unforeseeable issues regarding some of the committee members being able to see all of the nominees in a timely fashion. As soon as they have seen them we will announce the winners. I am sorry for any distress this may have caused you.

waldo

Healthcare debate stuff

There is a chart on the internet that shows the life expectancy rankings of 224 nations. The people in favor of National Health Care are using this to show that the US is lagging behind nations that provide health care. I thought I would crunch the numbers and see if this is accurate. I originally posted this on the Hank III message board but I thought I would put it over here as well.

Ok here comes the actual research that I did all on my own. This is not a copy and paste job.

There are 36 countries in the world that have some form of public healthcare. This ranges from a full blown insurance program to a government prescription plan that provides your medications free of charge. If you take those 36 countries and look them up on the life expectancy list you will get a list that looks like this.

Japan 3
Australia 7
Canada 8
France 9
Sweden 10
Israel 13
Iceland 14
New Zealand 18
Italy 19
Spain 23
Greece 26
Austria 27
The Netherlands 30
Luxembourg 31
Germany 32
Belgium 33
United Kingdom 36
Finland 37
South Korea 40
Cyprus 45
Denmark 46
Ireland 47
Portugal 48
Costa Rica 54
Cuba 55
Chile 56
Argentina 66
Saudi Arabia 69
Sri Lanka 84
Oman 91
China 105
Brazil 121
Iraq 144
Ukraine 150
Russia 162
Afghanistan 214

Now if you take the average ranking of those countries you get 54.8 which is obviously lower than the US score of 50. In an effort to show the numbers a bit more fairly, I looked at what would happen if you throw out the highest number (214 for Afghanistan) and the lowest number (3 for Japan). This gives you an average score of 51.64. Still lower than the US ranking of 50.

One thing that I did find interesting in my research. Iraq and Afghanistan both have a national healthcare program paid for by the United States as part of the War Funding Package.

Why hasn't someone thought of this before

Monkey Chan Film Awards

We have decided to have our own film awards here at Fisty Fisty Monkey Chan. The criteria that we chose for nomination basically were that the film was released in 2008. We have a four person committee that consists of me(waldo), rob, fatdragon, and a dude named Kelly. I know right, a man named Kelly, the absurdity of such a thing. We each chose a winner for each category and now begin the process of arguing it out to a winner. Some categories have but one nominee so that is an easy argument, we all picked the same thing. Others have multiple nominees so that is where the fun comes in. Here is the list of nominees for the 2009 Monkey Chan Film Awards. Winners will be announced August 15th.

Best Picture
The Wrestler
The Dark Knight

Best Actor
Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)
Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)
Chiwetel Ejiofor (Redbelt)

Best Supporting Actor
Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

Best Actress
Meryl Streep (Doubt)

Best Supporting Actress
Kaori Momoi (Sukiyaki Western Django)
Marissa Tomei (The Wrestler)
Emily Moritimer (Redbelt)

Best Director
Danny Boyle and Loveleen Tandan (Slumdog Millionaire)
Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)
Takashi Miike (Sukiyaki Western Django)
Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino)

Achievement in Cinematography
Toyomichi Kurita (Sukiyaki Western Django)
Wally Pfister (The Dark Knight)
Anthony Dod Mantle (Slumdog Millionaire)

Best Screenplay
John Ajvide Lindqvist (Let the Right One In)
Martin McDonagh (In Bruges)
Takashi Miike and Masa Nakamura (Sukiyaki Western Django)

Lifetime Achievement Award
John Ford
Akira Kurosawa
Elia Kazan

Fucking A Right

Evidently if you do a google search for romulan words, you get to this little blog. Yes!!!! Who the fuck is googling in Romulan? Or was it Klingon? I don't remember.

• 
  United Kingdom, 86.137.63.111AS2856 BTnet UK Regional network
  Client:
  Mac OS X (1680x1050x24)
  Firefox 3.0 (JavaScript: 1.8, Cookie: Yes, Java: Yes)
  Referer:
  Google — uaefvalhuneitrde'h'n
  Path:
  • 14:20:22 — http://fistyfistymonkeychan...ot.com/2008_07_01_archive.html

Edit: Pasted the wrong one in here. Sorry. Here is the correct one.

Pros and Cons of Orphan

There is a new film coming out called Orphan. To help you out in deciding whether or not to watch this, I have decided to give you a little information.

Here are the pros and cons of this movie

Pros
Vera Farmiga is in it and she was awesome in Boy in the Striped Pajamas (which is a brilliant film if you can get past all the Nazi's having British accents) and Departed.
Margo Martindale is in it and she is a fantastic character actor.
Peter Sarsgaard is in it aand he haas done some excellent work as a chaaraacter aactor in his own right, most notaably in Boys Don't Cry aand The Saalton Seaa.
It is rated R unlike most shitty horror movies lately which are rated PG-13. I'm pretty sure my thoughts on that are well known.
CCH Pounder is in it and she was awesome in the Shield.

Cons
Jaume Collet-Serra is directing it and his only previous horror experience in his very limited directorial career was House of Wax with Paris Hilton. Also, don't mind him he's from Barcelona.
Peter Sarsgaard is in it and he haas done some terrible work as a chaaraacter aactor, most notaably in Jaarheaad and The Skeleton Key.
CCH Pounder is in it and she hasn't done anything worthwhile in her entire career with the exception of the Shield.
It is a unique and clever idea the likes of which have never been seen on the big screen. Oh wait, scratch that. It is a dull rehash of a story that has been told a million times.
Warner Bros. has already caved by removing a line from the trailer. The original spot included the line, "It must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own". That line is now removed because adoption organizations found it offensive. Horror movies should not really try to be PC if you ask me.

Overall evaluation, this will be yet another rubbish movie that people should not watch.


Edit: I forgot to mention that CCH Pounder is playing a nun. If I see a black nun all I can think of is Whoopi Goldberg.

Guess Who Just Watched the New Green Day Video and Got a Headache?

if you guessed me, you guessed right. when the fuck did green day decide they were the pop-punk version of anti-flag? i mean i guess i get it. anti-flag writes intelligent - although misguided - songs about government corruption and how the little guy is getting screwed...well at least unless obama is in office and then it's all rainbows and puppy dogs. and they got pretty successful off of that. so after a few lukewarm albums i can understand how you might want to jump on that bandwagon. especially when it's so fucking easy to be angry when you're rich - because poor people don't have enough energy to fight the system ya know...we need our celebrities to do it for us.

but at least put a little effort into it. and yeah, this is coming from the guy who's in a band that sings songs about eating chicken. and even i'm appalled at what's passing for angry rhetoric. especially given that the guy that you're railing against in your songs? yeah, he's not in office anymore guys...time to let it go. woody guthrie is rolling over in his grave...

i let you guys off the hook for american idiot. but this is just pathetic.

and now to get off my soapbox and watch this piece of shit go double platinum with the hot topic tween set...

(rob)

Munsters Pilot

Twilight Can Suck My Vampire Balls

i hate twilight. i don't dislike it. i don't feel ambivalent about it. i hate it, and the genre of shitty children's vampire bullshit that it's destined to spawn.

now i'm not against tween literature - hell, i'll talk harry potter all night with someone given the chance. but a mormon housewife knows nothing about vampires or horror novels, and writing one should be at the bottom of her list of things to do.

if you haven't read the books - and i'll be honest, i haven't - then here's your basic summary. girl falls in love with vampire boy. they decide - completely discounting the basic sense of eroticism in the archetype of the vampire - that sex is just not in the cards for them and it's better if they wait to bone while he fights evil vampires, etc. it's like the fucking jonas brothers with fangs.

i was okay ignoring all of that and pretty much just pretending that it didn't exist, like i do with most popular music and movies. i would rant a bit if one of my friends brought it up, but i tried my damndest to just forget abou it overall. until chud.com linked to an article with Entertainment Weekly where they interviewed the writer to get some insight into her brilliance. and i can't ignore it any longer.

first they asked her - as a writer of vampire fiction - what she thought of bram stoker's dracula. seems like an easy question for someone that writes that genre. her answer? she hasn't read it but it's on her list of things that she'll get to at some point.

let's back that statement up. she writes stories about vampires...shitty stories, but vampire stories nonetheless, and she can't be bothered to read one of the seminal texts on the subject. it's on her fucking to-do list next to counting the millions that she made raping what is already an almost dead genre. i'm sure she'll get around to it though...

they then move on to movies. surely she's familiar with the concept of the vampire in cinema - especially since we know that she didn't get anything from books. nope. nada. not happening. she doesn't watch r-rated movies because she's mormon. and then it gets really good, and here's where my brain almost exploded.

she tried (tried!) to watch interview with a vampire once, but she only made it about 10 minutes into it before she turned it off...it was - and i fucking quote - "yuck".

in fact i'm going to quote this entire section, because i want you to see the level of "i don't give a fuck about what came before me" that this woman puts out to the universe:

"I've seen little pieces of Interview with a Vampire when it was on TV, but I kind of always go YUCK! I don't watch R-rated movies, so that really cuts down on a lot of the horror. And I think I've seen a couple of pieces of The Lost Boys, which my husband liked, and he wanted me to watch it once, but I was like, It's creepy!"

that's right. this fucking "writer" - and i use that word loosely - doesn't read vampire fiction, and can't even stand to watch a horror movie because they're too scary for her. and we've made this woman a millionaire. made hollywood a metric fuck-ton of money pandering to the tweens. we've shoved mormon propaganda down children's throats masquerading as a vampire love story, and ripped the balls off of a creature that used to terrify people before we let assholes like this woman neuter them. and no one fucking cares.



(rob)

And my favorite web sensation of all time...

Spaghetti Cat, honored in song

And then there's this

Must get a Tesla Coil

WTF COMEDY?

Evidently there are worse comedians in the world than Carrot Top.

Remember when cartoons were awesome?