A morning of epic proportion

Today I had the most awesome morning I have ever had. Ever.

I watch a show called Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. I'm a bit of a food geek so this show intrigues me to no end. A large chunk of my TiVo is dedicated to the Food Network and food related shows on the Travel Channel. Anyway, Andrew Zimmern will eat any motherfucking thing you can imagine. There is one food, however, that even he is not able to eat. It is his nemesis and I have seen him make a wholehearted effort on more than one occasion to eat this food to no avail. He simply cannot bring himself to do it. This food is a fruit called a Durian. The smell is evidently overwhelming and he just can't do it. When I was reading the Fort Worth Weekly Best of 2008 issue on the way to the train station, I discovered that there is a Vietnamese restaurant near my house that makes Durian smoothies. My heart leapt with joy at the prospect of being able to sample this fruit, albeit in a smoothie and not it's natural form, for myself. I am not in any fashion overstating the excitement level that I had at that very moment. From the very first time that I learned of the Durian I knew that I would have to try this at some point in my life and now, on this glorious Friday, the opportunity has presented it to me. The only bad news is that I will have to wait until this weekend to sample this exotic delight.

I was already swimming with delight upon this news, when something else incredible happened to me. I arrived at the train station prepared for my normal, mundane ride to work. I was looking at the news paper racks and I noticed the headline on the above the fold in the StartleGram. The actual name of the paper is the Fort Worth Star-Telegram but I prefer to call it the StartleGram because it is basically a pile of shit newspaper that specializes in sensationalistic journalism. That's why I read the Dallas Morning News even though I live in Fort Worth and hate Dallas with a passion. Well looky there, I have gotten off topic. Time to get back on track.

I was looking at the front page of the StartleGram and the above the fold story was about a person who had died in one of the Tarrant County jails and how this could have been prevented. I saw the headline, saw the persons picture to the left of the story, and then read the first sentence of the story. Here is the first part of that sentence, "The death of a woman in the Tarrant County Jail..." I won't include the rest of the sentence in this little anecdote because it is irrelevant to the story on a whole, at least as it pertains to me.

It wasn't until I read this sentence that I realized, in spite of the fact that the story had a photo of the victim accompanying it, that this was a woman. This was the most hideous root hog of a woman I have ever seen. My inability to not say things out loud was nearly my undoing at this point. I said, to myself may I add, "That's a woman? She's better off dead."

Like I said, I said this to myself, I didn't even realize that there were other people near me thanks to my superpower (that being the ability to completely block out the presence of other human beings at will). Well evidently there was someone nearby, near enough to hear me in fact. And, as fate would have it, that person was the dead woman's cousin. Holy crap what are the fucking odds? He heard me and then yelled at me for being insensitive and some other words but honestly I was so flabbergasted at the first phrase to come out of his mouth, that being "That's my cousin jerk", that I didn't really hear a lot of the rest of what he said. I think I was gauging his ability to beat me up.

I apologized for being a jerk and he muttered some things and I just sort of walked away. He was a scrawny sort and I'm pretty sure I could have taken him but it's really best not to test these theories if you ask me.

That was awesome thing #2 in my morning. Nearly getting into a fight with a stranger because I said his cousin was better off dead. My morning, however awesome, was about to get even more awesome.

About 2 minutes after deftly avoiding fisticuffs with a scrawny mourning cousin of a root hog, I had to sneeze and couldn't. Wait Waldo, you say to yourself, this sounds like the part of the story that takes a dramatic turn for the boring. Ha Ha fooled you. This is where the awesome turns it up a considerable notch.

Here it is, not 2 minutes after the confrontation, and I have to sneeze but find myself unable to do so. I was, therefore, making that horrible scrunched up face that people make when attempting unsuccessfully to sneeze. The face that is akin to what Calvin looked like whenever brussel sprouts where forced upon him. Just as I was making this face, evidently, there were 2 people walking past me. Two people that I didn't not even know were there. And in mid can't sneeze face I heard a voice. Clearly a man's voice yet very effeminate. It said, "Are we that disgusting to you?"

This snapped me straight out of trying to sneeze mode and back to the real world. Before me were the 2 most effeminate black men I have ever seen standing there holding hands. I was stunned as I did not know what this guy was talking about. Evidently he thought that I was the sort that hates gay people and he had enough of people like me. This was his chance to make a stand. Problem is, I don't hate gay people. I could give a rat's ass who you fuck as long as it isn't a kid or an animal of some sort. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want if you ask me.

This guy was furious though. I had arrived at the train station a mere seven minutes ago and for the SECOND time, was having to size somebody up as a possible fight opponent. What the fuck? This is awesome. First the Durian smoothie and now two potential fights in seven minutes. This morning rules.

This guy who was mad at me was clearly the top in the relationship even though he was equally effeminate to his partner. I started to suggest that they may be doing this wrong and that at least one of them should be somewhat masculine. It's like 2 lipstick lesbians being a couple. That works great in my mind but I never see it in real life. Before I could make this suggestion he yelled something at me that jolted me to my very core. He yelled, "Are you disgusted because we're gay, or because we're niggers?"

Clearly this guy had quite a chip on his shoulder and if I didn't play my cards right I was going to get potentially jumped by two hardcore flamers and that would have been a bit embarrassing.

I told him I wasn't disgusted at all. I explained to him that I had just been trying to sneeze and that's why I had made that face. Luckily for one of us, his boyfriend stepped in to calm him down and they walked to the other end of the platform but he glared at me the whole time.

I was really excited at this point. A durian smoothie was in my immediate future and had narrowly avoided fisticuffs not once but twice in the span of seven minutes. What an awesome morning.

Just thought I'd share a slice of my life with you.

No such luck Rob

I'm on my way to work now. Still feel like shit but I figured the bosses wouldn't take very kindly to me missing a 3rd day of work.

When Will the Super Collider Just Get it Over With?

rashomon 2010
ok, this is just fucking stupid. first of all, yes, that's the official title of the movie, not a working title while they're filming. second of all, they're ditching a large part of the story and turning it into a courtroom drama. if you're going to do that then why do you need the fucking name. is hollywood really so far up its own ass that it thinks that the average american movie viewer - who they are responsible for dumbing down over the past 30 years - is even going to know what rashomon is, let alone know it well enough that they'll pack into theaters for a film that shares its name and little else?

i was all sorts of angry head last year when george clooney was talking about remaking seven samurai - with six japanese samurai and him as an american transplant none the less, but at least he was attempting to keep the plot somewhat similar to the spirit of the original, and at least he had the sense to ditch the project after sobering it up and thinking it through a little. i don't even have an insulting word big enough to describe how stupid this is. fuck you hollywood...fuck you.

dallas 2009 budget
so dallas passed their budget this week. and guess what their new revenue stream is going to be? apparently it's going to be charging out of town drivers a fee for getting into a wreck in their fine city. so if you drive through dallas and get hit by a car you're both going to be charged between 400 and 600 dollars for the wreck...oh wait. no, that's not right. if the driver that hit you is from dallas, well he won't get charged a cent. this is great for those of us in the surrounding area. i'm going to love driving from bedford to downtown dallas wondering if i'm going to end up being charged by the city for someone else's mistake...this should help drive tourism to unknown heights...good job dallas...

the bridge to nowhere debacle
biden and obama have both been making their snide comments the past few weeks about the alaskan bridge to nowhere - this would be the bridge that palin backed for awhile before flipflopping and saying no way once she got into office. but i notice that i'm not seeing much about the fact that both biden and obama had multiple chances to shoot down the bridge bill but both voted for it and were supporters of the plan...and people wonder why i get so angry about american politics...too many people treating the presidency like it's an episode of the hills and voting telegenic instead of intelligently.

the "honest to god they're real" palin pictures
if i have one more fucking person email me those horribly doctored photos of palin in a miniskirt or - even worse - the picture of her in a bikini holding a rifle and insisting that it's got to be real because they had it forwarded on from a friend that they totally trust i'm going to lose my fucking mind. do people have no concept of doing research anymore? we live in a society where anything you want to know is just a google query away and we still can't be fucking bothered. you can literally put anything you want into an email, send it to someone who will send it to someone else, and it's immediately fact.

seriously, i would pack my shit and move to europe, but they're so dumb at this point that they fined someone for not having a lifeguard present next to their inflatable wading pool...
my brain hurts...

(rob)

I Claim This Blog in the Name of (rob)

waldo has now been mia since saturday.

i thought about putting together a crack team of special operatives to go and find him in the jungles of vietnam, but then i realized that he may not be in vietnam, and it was kind of expensive.

so instead i have decided to stage a coup and claim this blog for my own. i will be renaming the blog 'Jim Carrey is my God' and will be updating daily on my favorite jim carrey (or jc as i call him) news, as well as reviews of his amazing filmography.

in addition i will be adding in a music section as well, featuring top ten lists regarding my favorite bands, such as 'ten reasons avril lavigne is more punk than the misfits', or 'the ten best fallout boy songs to listen to when getting over a breakup'...it's going to be so fucking punk rock!

this is going to be great...i hope waldo never comes back from vietnam!

(rob)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

In honor of the start of the new season, here's some awesome. Enjoy.

Alan Moore Hates Movies

Evidently he especially hates The Watchmen movie. And I think he may be full bore insane now. Click title for story.

Marvel prepares to ruin everything with zombies

Now Marvel is preparing to ruin their universe.

MARVEL ZOMBIES 3 issue 1 (of 4)
Written by FRED VAN LENTE
Penciled by KEV WALKER
Cover by GREG LAND
Board up Avengers Tower! Lock down the Baxter Building! The ravenous hordes of Marvel Zombies are invading ... the Marvel Universe! That's right, the next chapter of the MZ saga is a non-stop in-continuity gorefest with major implications for at least one Marvel hero! When the super-undead stumble into the MU from the Man-Thing's Nexus of All Realities, all of Florida is quarantined against the zombie plague. Time is quickly running out for a cure, so the Initiative sends a most unlikely group of heroes into the Zombieverse on a desperate mission to find the one item they need before the whole MU is consumed! The scream team of Fred Van Lente (INCREDIBLE HERCULES) and Kev Walker (ANNIHILATION: NOVA) unite for a Marvel Zombies story like you've never seen before!




Ok here's the thing, Marvel Zombies was awesome as a one shot by Kirkman. Then they started flooding us with it. And now it is going to tie into main universe continuity? What the fuck are they thinking?

Fun Statement Taken Completely in Context

Waldo (to Rob): You're a Mexican Lady. You have boobs and a mustache, those are the 2 key ingredients of a Mexican Lady.

Fun Conversations Taken Out of Context

Ledesma, Robert says:
maybe i can be the mexican woman youve always wanted me to be

Michaud, Rob says:
one can only hope...

Starring Ben Kingsley...

As Ian MacKaye. Yes Minor Threat Ian MacKaye. He was in some other band too but they are crazy overrated and pale terribly in comparison in comparison to Minor Threat so I won't mention. Title is link. Click it to see the video.

Kick Ass Movie

Ok maybe I am on board a little more with the Kick Ass movie after reading this script review.

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38376


Here's the thing, Nic Cage is a beating. However he has shown signs of greatness in the past. Namely Raising Arizona and Wild At Heart. I do know that he is a huge no bullshit comic nerd. This guy has been nuts for comics for a long time. Lately every fucking hollywood johnny come lately is claiming to be a comic nerd but Cage is the real fucking deal.

I'm not saying it will be great, I'm not saying it will even get the hard R or NC-17 that is should. I am saying it has potential to not defeat me nearly as bad as I thought it would.

Headline Hall of Fame

Yet another entry

Teacher OK after crashing into bear on a bicycle

random stupid shit i did as a child

so i'm in third grade and i'm in oklahoma staying with one of my aunts. she decides that she's tired of watching me stare listlessly at the floor, so we hop in the car and drive down to the local woolworths (i just lost any reader under 30 with that reference) so i could get a new toy. i looked around at all of the balsa wood gliders, plastic army men, etc., before inching my way over to the location i knew i would be begging from - the he-man aisle. i worked my way through the collection, looking for toys i didn't already have, and my eyes fell on a brand new toy - kobra fucking khan. he wasn't available at any of the stores at home, so of course i had to have him. for those not in the know, kobra fucking khan - from here on out referred to as kfk - had a hollow body that could be filled with water, and when you pressed down on his head he would spray a mist that would paralyze anything it came in contact with...if that's not a must-have i don't know what is. but now for the reason that you would think.

there was this girl that lived down the street from me, and she was a complete and total bitch to everyone around her. the plan running through my sociopathic brain was that i would talk my aunt into buying me kobra khan, i would take him home, i would fill him with acid, and then i would trick the girl into letting me spray her in the face. once she melted, the neighborhood would be safe again, and i would be a hero. i pictured her face running off her skull like the ending scene in raiders - it was a plan that couldn't fail.

reasons why the plan failed:
1. did not think through the logistics of putting acid in a plastic toy.
2. did not consider where a third grader finds acid.
3. did not know about modern forensic techniques that would have landed me in jail.

well, i got back to my aunt's place, waited for her to go to bed, searched all over the kitchen to find out where she kept her acid - i'm not sure why i thought you would keep something like that in the kitchen - and then admitted defeat. so i sat around all weekend watching cartoons and filling kfk with dr pepper and then drinking out of his hollow corpse...

(rob)

Thoughts on Juno

i don't have much to say about juno - mainly because i've ranted myself out over the past 8 months since i first saw it. unlike waldo i sat through the movie twice - well, partially twice. the second time i tried to ignore it because the wife wanted to see it, so i just sat at the computer browsing the internet and trying to keep my comments to myself. but unlike waldo this at least means that i saw the ending, which was probably even worse than the rest of the movie.

i HATED HATED HATED the language in the film. diablo cody made the rookie writer's mistake - the one that we all made in junior high and then grew out of...she made every fucking character in the film interchangeable from a language standpoint. every person in the movie was that hipster douchebag you see in coffee shops in big metroplexes. but somehow, in this magical little white trash town, everyone knows every underground band of the past 30 years, everyone has seen every movie ever made, underground or not, and everyone talks in a hipster jargon that would even make a 16 old roll their eyes - at least i would hope so, but judging by the giggling in the theater, idiots like hipster jargon.

home-skillet. pork sword. a preggo eggo. these are phrases that i never thought i would hear used with a straight face in my lifetime, and there they were up on the big screen in an oscar nominated movie...a fucking oscar nominated movie. and it made my teeth grind a little.

this movie exists only to make generic people feel like they're edgy, by throwing out mildly underground - but safe - references in order to make people feel like they're way the fuck out there. case in point. juno has lunch inside of the school trophy case...

IN THE TROPHY CASE!!! SILLY JUNO! YOU CAN'T EAT IN A TROPHY CASE...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

fucking piece of shit movie. anyway, so as juno and her friend are eating their lunch in the trophy case, and as her friend is talking the camera keeps pointing over her shoulder to a jauntily placed ramones sticker on the wall. and you could feel the glee rising up in the assholes in the theater as they told themselves "that's the ramones! i know that band, because i'm familiar with the underground!" and then they look around and they tell themselves "i bet no one else in here knows who they are. diablo cody made this movie just for me!"



now, imagine this same thing, but with movies, "street slang", and every other thing that they could throw in to make the users seem cool, and you've got juno. it's got the full indie poser checklist going:

quirky indie soundtrack - check! (if i were a tree...really?!?!)
quirky actress - check!
"fuck you mainstream hollywood" attitude - check!
mainstream hollywood ending - check!

this is what little miss sunshine wished it could be. i had so much hope for ellen page after hard candy. to be able to anchor a movie that dramatic at her age i thought she could do no wrong. but this was just horrible. and the worst part of it is that because she was so successful in it every script that came her way afterwards was the same horrible type of movie. and judging from what i'm seeing, she's taking every one of those roles...another great actress down the tubes way too fucking early.

i dunno. i guess i could bitch more about it, but why? i'm just wasting valuable time that i could be using to watch good movies instead. diablo cody, you should be ashamed...

(rob)

How Juno tried to kill me

Alright here's the thing with Juno and why it made me so incredibly when I went to see it at the Best Picture Showcase this year. It sort of works like this. They started off the day by showing Michael Clayton. This was the movie I knew the least about and had the lowest expectations of but boy did they prove me wrong, I thought it was a really good film. Up next was There Will Be Blood. Anyone who has listened to me talk about movies since February knows how I feel about this movie. It is FanFuckingtasFuckingtic. Hands down THE movie of 2007 which, as I mentioned before, is an impressive feat since 2007 was the rare year chock full of great movies. So 2 movies in and I am running on all cylinders. I've seen 2 great movies in the span of 5 hours. Things are looking good.

Then came Atonement, or as I like to call it, The Lunch Break. I was at this thing with my buddy Rob and my buddy Jeremy and none of the above were interested in watching this movie. We tried, Rob and I sat through the first 45 minutes and then we just couldn't take it anymore. We went outside and checked our watches and realized that through some trick of witchcraft, we had actually been in the theater for 15 minutes, not the 45 we initially thought. Even so I was not angry at Atonement being included in the Best Picture Nominee List. I was not angry because this was a long drawn out boring period piece and the Academy gets their panties super wet for shit like that. So I gave Atonement a pass figuring there was nothing I could do about it and Rob and I went into the mall to pass 2 and a half fucking hours until that thing was over. Perhaps more on that later. If I'm in the mood. We ran into Jeremy while we were there and he laughed because he knew better than to even attempt watching that shit. Smart man that Jeremy is.

So we go back to the theater and Juno is next on the list. We return to our seats and there are about 15 minutes left before Juno starts. There are these 2 girls sitting in front of us who attempted to convince us that there was a really awesome tracking shot at the end of Atonement and it was worth it if only for that. This was a ruse commonly used by creatures with vaginas to convince creatures with penises to watch bullshit fucking movies and I wasn't falling for that for one fucking second I can tell you.

So bear in mind, I had already seen 2 awesome movies that day and now Juno was up. I was looking forward to seeing this movie, I really really was. I had heard all about how it was a smart, witty, comedy that would really appeal to the highbrow indie film crowd. Bloody Fucking Hell that's me. This should be great. Rob and I barely made it through the opening credits before that feeling of defeat started to sink in. This was not what I had been told it was. This was a lie of epic proportion. Someone would pay for this. Someone would pay indeed.

10 minutes in and all of the douchebags in the theater were howling with laughter at every bullshit thing that any character on the screen said. And all this is supposed to take place in Generic Suburbia yet all of the characters are chock full of artificially obscure pop culture references and they all talk to each other as though they were practicing for another Saturday at the Algonquin Hotel. I'm not buying it. You mean to tell me that there is not one idiot in that whole fucking town who really tries to say something witty but can only muster up a really loud, "Fuck you faggot?" I don't believe it one bit.

So like I said 10 minutes in and Rob and I can't take it anymore. Both of us are visibly angry. We decide it's time for a smoke. Jeremy was laughing his ass off. Not at the movie, but at watching Rob and I shoot each other are you fucking kidding me looks every 30 seconds. The three of us step outside into the comforting, Juno free air, and start to bitch. Loudly. I bitched extra loud so as to try to protect anyone who may be headed for the ticket window with the intent of purchasing a ticket to Juno. "Don't do it", I would yell. "It's a trick. Save yourselves."

Here's the thing, if Juno hadn't had critical acclaim heaped all over it I would have most likely dismissed it as just another shitty movie that I could ignore. I could throw it on the pile with things like Napoleon Dynamite and Superbad. Those must see comedies that everyone says you have to see but that inevitably suck balls and make me question the intelligence levels of the people who say that I should see them. But Juno was different. This was getting recommended by people I typically respect when it comes to their cinema opinion. Let that be a lesson to me.

It was just that this movie was so predictable and so ridiculous at every point. Oh here's a really sappy moment that we will break up with a zinging wisecrack. That'll get the crowd going. Diablo Cody is a fucking hack, plain and fucking simple. No two ways around that. But she is a clever hack. She filled a marketing niche and took it over quite nicely. She made a movie that really worked for people who wanted to have some indie cred but didn't want to have to actually work for it.

Like I said, had this movie not been nominated for Best Fucking Picture, it wouldn't upset me in the least that it was made. But it was nominated. In a year full of great films, someone had to get passed up to make room for Juno. Are you fucking kidding me. Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, one of the most beautifully shot films you will see in your life, seriously, it is Kurosawaesque in its beauty, couldn't get a best picture nod. Had to have Juno in there. Gone Baby Gone, Away From Her, Sweeney Todd, none of those could get a nomination. Hell even Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, which I though sucked with the exception of lots of scenes that had a naked Marissa Tomei in them, could have been nominated over Juno. At least it had Sidney Lumet directing it.

So that is the key right there, really good films and for that matter even mediocre films, got passed up so that everyone could trip over their dicks talking about how great Juno was. And that infuriated me. We went out to smoke and then returned to watch the rest of Juno. Blood pressure steadily increasing, we made until about the last 20 minutes. Then I was too agitated by the commoners surrounding me in the theater and I had to go out and smoke again. We did that and made it back in for the very tail end of the credits. No great loss there I can tell you. I have no idea how Juno ends, and I don't really give a shit. I haven't been that angry about a movie existing since the Matrix came out and I doubt that I ever will be again.

bleh

saving my pennies for the queers show at doublewide at the end of the month...must have shirt that fits. my last one was given to me in '96 when i was much much skinnier, and if i wore it now i'd incredible hulk myself right out of it...

i'm so far behind on my comics reading that i'll never catch up...and i can't read wizard anymore without ruining the story. when i download my comics tonight i'll be three months behind...methinks it's time for a saturday comics marathon.

oh yeah, and i wanna do nasty things to vp nominee palin's face...yum.

(rob)