It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

In honor of the start of the new season, here's some awesome. Enjoy.

Alan Moore Hates Movies

Evidently he especially hates The Watchmen movie. And I think he may be full bore insane now. Click title for story.

Marvel prepares to ruin everything with zombies

Now Marvel is preparing to ruin their universe.

MARVEL ZOMBIES 3 issue 1 (of 4)
Written by FRED VAN LENTE
Penciled by KEV WALKER
Cover by GREG LAND
Board up Avengers Tower! Lock down the Baxter Building! The ravenous hordes of Marvel Zombies are invading ... the Marvel Universe! That's right, the next chapter of the MZ saga is a non-stop in-continuity gorefest with major implications for at least one Marvel hero! When the super-undead stumble into the MU from the Man-Thing's Nexus of All Realities, all of Florida is quarantined against the zombie plague. Time is quickly running out for a cure, so the Initiative sends a most unlikely group of heroes into the Zombieverse on a desperate mission to find the one item they need before the whole MU is consumed! The scream team of Fred Van Lente (INCREDIBLE HERCULES) and Kev Walker (ANNIHILATION: NOVA) unite for a Marvel Zombies story like you've never seen before!




Ok here's the thing, Marvel Zombies was awesome as a one shot by Kirkman. Then they started flooding us with it. And now it is going to tie into main universe continuity? What the fuck are they thinking?

Fun Statement Taken Completely in Context

Waldo (to Rob): You're a Mexican Lady. You have boobs and a mustache, those are the 2 key ingredients of a Mexican Lady.

Fun Conversations Taken Out of Context

Ledesma, Robert says:
maybe i can be the mexican woman youve always wanted me to be

Michaud, Rob says:
one can only hope...

Starring Ben Kingsley...

As Ian MacKaye. Yes Minor Threat Ian MacKaye. He was in some other band too but they are crazy overrated and pale terribly in comparison in comparison to Minor Threat so I won't mention. Title is link. Click it to see the video.

Kick Ass Movie

Ok maybe I am on board a little more with the Kick Ass movie after reading this script review.

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38376


Here's the thing, Nic Cage is a beating. However he has shown signs of greatness in the past. Namely Raising Arizona and Wild At Heart. I do know that he is a huge no bullshit comic nerd. This guy has been nuts for comics for a long time. Lately every fucking hollywood johnny come lately is claiming to be a comic nerd but Cage is the real fucking deal.

I'm not saying it will be great, I'm not saying it will even get the hard R or NC-17 that is should. I am saying it has potential to not defeat me nearly as bad as I thought it would.

Headline Hall of Fame

Yet another entry

Teacher OK after crashing into bear on a bicycle

random stupid shit i did as a child

so i'm in third grade and i'm in oklahoma staying with one of my aunts. she decides that she's tired of watching me stare listlessly at the floor, so we hop in the car and drive down to the local woolworths (i just lost any reader under 30 with that reference) so i could get a new toy. i looked around at all of the balsa wood gliders, plastic army men, etc., before inching my way over to the location i knew i would be begging from - the he-man aisle. i worked my way through the collection, looking for toys i didn't already have, and my eyes fell on a brand new toy - kobra fucking khan. he wasn't available at any of the stores at home, so of course i had to have him. for those not in the know, kobra fucking khan - from here on out referred to as kfk - had a hollow body that could be filled with water, and when you pressed down on his head he would spray a mist that would paralyze anything it came in contact with...if that's not a must-have i don't know what is. but now for the reason that you would think.

there was this girl that lived down the street from me, and she was a complete and total bitch to everyone around her. the plan running through my sociopathic brain was that i would talk my aunt into buying me kobra khan, i would take him home, i would fill him with acid, and then i would trick the girl into letting me spray her in the face. once she melted, the neighborhood would be safe again, and i would be a hero. i pictured her face running off her skull like the ending scene in raiders - it was a plan that couldn't fail.

reasons why the plan failed:
1. did not think through the logistics of putting acid in a plastic toy.
2. did not consider where a third grader finds acid.
3. did not know about modern forensic techniques that would have landed me in jail.

well, i got back to my aunt's place, waited for her to go to bed, searched all over the kitchen to find out where she kept her acid - i'm not sure why i thought you would keep something like that in the kitchen - and then admitted defeat. so i sat around all weekend watching cartoons and filling kfk with dr pepper and then drinking out of his hollow corpse...

(rob)

Thoughts on Juno

i don't have much to say about juno - mainly because i've ranted myself out over the past 8 months since i first saw it. unlike waldo i sat through the movie twice - well, partially twice. the second time i tried to ignore it because the wife wanted to see it, so i just sat at the computer browsing the internet and trying to keep my comments to myself. but unlike waldo this at least means that i saw the ending, which was probably even worse than the rest of the movie.

i HATED HATED HATED the language in the film. diablo cody made the rookie writer's mistake - the one that we all made in junior high and then grew out of...she made every fucking character in the film interchangeable from a language standpoint. every person in the movie was that hipster douchebag you see in coffee shops in big metroplexes. but somehow, in this magical little white trash town, everyone knows every underground band of the past 30 years, everyone has seen every movie ever made, underground or not, and everyone talks in a hipster jargon that would even make a 16 old roll their eyes - at least i would hope so, but judging by the giggling in the theater, idiots like hipster jargon.

home-skillet. pork sword. a preggo eggo. these are phrases that i never thought i would hear used with a straight face in my lifetime, and there they were up on the big screen in an oscar nominated movie...a fucking oscar nominated movie. and it made my teeth grind a little.

this movie exists only to make generic people feel like they're edgy, by throwing out mildly underground - but safe - references in order to make people feel like they're way the fuck out there. case in point. juno has lunch inside of the school trophy case...

IN THE TROPHY CASE!!! SILLY JUNO! YOU CAN'T EAT IN A TROPHY CASE...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

fucking piece of shit movie. anyway, so as juno and her friend are eating their lunch in the trophy case, and as her friend is talking the camera keeps pointing over her shoulder to a jauntily placed ramones sticker on the wall. and you could feel the glee rising up in the assholes in the theater as they told themselves "that's the ramones! i know that band, because i'm familiar with the underground!" and then they look around and they tell themselves "i bet no one else in here knows who they are. diablo cody made this movie just for me!"



now, imagine this same thing, but with movies, "street slang", and every other thing that they could throw in to make the users seem cool, and you've got juno. it's got the full indie poser checklist going:

quirky indie soundtrack - check! (if i were a tree...really?!?!)
quirky actress - check!
"fuck you mainstream hollywood" attitude - check!
mainstream hollywood ending - check!

this is what little miss sunshine wished it could be. i had so much hope for ellen page after hard candy. to be able to anchor a movie that dramatic at her age i thought she could do no wrong. but this was just horrible. and the worst part of it is that because she was so successful in it every script that came her way afterwards was the same horrible type of movie. and judging from what i'm seeing, she's taking every one of those roles...another great actress down the tubes way too fucking early.

i dunno. i guess i could bitch more about it, but why? i'm just wasting valuable time that i could be using to watch good movies instead. diablo cody, you should be ashamed...

(rob)

How Juno tried to kill me

Alright here's the thing with Juno and why it made me so incredibly when I went to see it at the Best Picture Showcase this year. It sort of works like this. They started off the day by showing Michael Clayton. This was the movie I knew the least about and had the lowest expectations of but boy did they prove me wrong, I thought it was a really good film. Up next was There Will Be Blood. Anyone who has listened to me talk about movies since February knows how I feel about this movie. It is FanFuckingtasFuckingtic. Hands down THE movie of 2007 which, as I mentioned before, is an impressive feat since 2007 was the rare year chock full of great movies. So 2 movies in and I am running on all cylinders. I've seen 2 great movies in the span of 5 hours. Things are looking good.

Then came Atonement, or as I like to call it, The Lunch Break. I was at this thing with my buddy Rob and my buddy Jeremy and none of the above were interested in watching this movie. We tried, Rob and I sat through the first 45 minutes and then we just couldn't take it anymore. We went outside and checked our watches and realized that through some trick of witchcraft, we had actually been in the theater for 15 minutes, not the 45 we initially thought. Even so I was not angry at Atonement being included in the Best Picture Nominee List. I was not angry because this was a long drawn out boring period piece and the Academy gets their panties super wet for shit like that. So I gave Atonement a pass figuring there was nothing I could do about it and Rob and I went into the mall to pass 2 and a half fucking hours until that thing was over. Perhaps more on that later. If I'm in the mood. We ran into Jeremy while we were there and he laughed because he knew better than to even attempt watching that shit. Smart man that Jeremy is.

So we go back to the theater and Juno is next on the list. We return to our seats and there are about 15 minutes left before Juno starts. There are these 2 girls sitting in front of us who attempted to convince us that there was a really awesome tracking shot at the end of Atonement and it was worth it if only for that. This was a ruse commonly used by creatures with vaginas to convince creatures with penises to watch bullshit fucking movies and I wasn't falling for that for one fucking second I can tell you.

So bear in mind, I had already seen 2 awesome movies that day and now Juno was up. I was looking forward to seeing this movie, I really really was. I had heard all about how it was a smart, witty, comedy that would really appeal to the highbrow indie film crowd. Bloody Fucking Hell that's me. This should be great. Rob and I barely made it through the opening credits before that feeling of defeat started to sink in. This was not what I had been told it was. This was a lie of epic proportion. Someone would pay for this. Someone would pay indeed.

10 minutes in and all of the douchebags in the theater were howling with laughter at every bullshit thing that any character on the screen said. And all this is supposed to take place in Generic Suburbia yet all of the characters are chock full of artificially obscure pop culture references and they all talk to each other as though they were practicing for another Saturday at the Algonquin Hotel. I'm not buying it. You mean to tell me that there is not one idiot in that whole fucking town who really tries to say something witty but can only muster up a really loud, "Fuck you faggot?" I don't believe it one bit.

So like I said 10 minutes in and Rob and I can't take it anymore. Both of us are visibly angry. We decide it's time for a smoke. Jeremy was laughing his ass off. Not at the movie, but at watching Rob and I shoot each other are you fucking kidding me looks every 30 seconds. The three of us step outside into the comforting, Juno free air, and start to bitch. Loudly. I bitched extra loud so as to try to protect anyone who may be headed for the ticket window with the intent of purchasing a ticket to Juno. "Don't do it", I would yell. "It's a trick. Save yourselves."

Here's the thing, if Juno hadn't had critical acclaim heaped all over it I would have most likely dismissed it as just another shitty movie that I could ignore. I could throw it on the pile with things like Napoleon Dynamite and Superbad. Those must see comedies that everyone says you have to see but that inevitably suck balls and make me question the intelligence levels of the people who say that I should see them. But Juno was different. This was getting recommended by people I typically respect when it comes to their cinema opinion. Let that be a lesson to me.

It was just that this movie was so predictable and so ridiculous at every point. Oh here's a really sappy moment that we will break up with a zinging wisecrack. That'll get the crowd going. Diablo Cody is a fucking hack, plain and fucking simple. No two ways around that. But she is a clever hack. She filled a marketing niche and took it over quite nicely. She made a movie that really worked for people who wanted to have some indie cred but didn't want to have to actually work for it.

Like I said, had this movie not been nominated for Best Fucking Picture, it wouldn't upset me in the least that it was made. But it was nominated. In a year full of great films, someone had to get passed up to make room for Juno. Are you fucking kidding me. Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, one of the most beautifully shot films you will see in your life, seriously, it is Kurosawaesque in its beauty, couldn't get a best picture nod. Had to have Juno in there. Gone Baby Gone, Away From Her, Sweeney Todd, none of those could get a nomination. Hell even Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, which I though sucked with the exception of lots of scenes that had a naked Marissa Tomei in them, could have been nominated over Juno. At least it had Sidney Lumet directing it.

So that is the key right there, really good films and for that matter even mediocre films, got passed up so that everyone could trip over their dicks talking about how great Juno was. And that infuriated me. We went out to smoke and then returned to watch the rest of Juno. Blood pressure steadily increasing, we made until about the last 20 minutes. Then I was too agitated by the commoners surrounding me in the theater and I had to go out and smoke again. We did that and made it back in for the very tail end of the credits. No great loss there I can tell you. I have no idea how Juno ends, and I don't really give a shit. I haven't been that angry about a movie existing since the Matrix came out and I doubt that I ever will be again.

bleh

saving my pennies for the queers show at doublewide at the end of the month...must have shirt that fits. my last one was given to me in '96 when i was much much skinnier, and if i wore it now i'd incredible hulk myself right out of it...

i'm so far behind on my comics reading that i'll never catch up...and i can't read wizard anymore without ruining the story. when i download my comics tonight i'll be three months behind...methinks it's time for a saturday comics marathon.

oh yeah, and i wanna do nasty things to vp nominee palin's face...yum.

(rob)

Headline Hall of Fame

Here's another one.
Hide-and-seek turns up abandoned baby in bushes

Sarah Palin in as VP

McCain has chosen Sarah Palin as his VP candidate. This will work well for him as she is young and a woman. A hot woman at that.

When asked for comment on Obama's campaign, she was apparently referencing the fact that he already seems to think he's the president when she quoted her husband.

"Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

Headline Hall of Fame

So I decided that I would post actual headlines that are awesome in a Headline Hall of Fame. Here is the first entry.

Dad chops son's hand off in banana fight

My conversation with AT&T IM support

Here is the transcript.






Please wait while we find an agent to assist you...
Thank you for contacting AT&T Internet Services, my name is Andrew

Diamond. One moment while I review your information.
John Waldowski: ok I'm waiting
Andrew Diamond: Hi and Good Afternoon John Waldowski!
John Waldowski: hi
John Waldowski: are you there?
Andrew Diamond: Yes I am.
John Waldowski: I was wondering if you could update me on an outage

in my area
John Waldowski: I was given an ETA of 6pm but my service is still

not working
Andrew Diamond: I see that you have issues with an outage, is that

right?
John Waldowski: I have a number that I believe ties to the notes
John Waldowski: yes
John Waldowski: the number is 881445
Andrew Diamond: I apologize for the inconvenience this has caused,

we value you as a Member and I assure you that I will do my best to

assist you with this issue.
John Waldowski: can you tell me about this
Andrew Diamond: Please give me a few minutes to pull up your

account and check on the outage as well John Waldowski.
John Waldowski: I'm still waiting
Andrew Diamond: By the way, what is your location?
John Waldowski: do you see my account
John Waldowski: Fort Worth TX
John Waldowski: I would assume that would be in my account

information
John Waldowski: how do I know that you're a real person
John Waldowski: and not a replicant
Andrew Diamond: Thank you and I will continue with my research on

your issue.
John Waldowski: you didn't answer my question
John Waldowski: are you a replicant from the future who is really

here to destroy this dimension of reality and take all of us as

slaves for the alien hive mind?
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that I am a live person John

Waldowski so don't worry about it.
John Waldowski: or just a support guy?
John Waldowski: that doesn't sound like something a live person

would say
John Waldowski: my friends call me waldo
John Waldowski: by the way
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that we are the Chat Technical

Support Department so don't worry on your issue.
John Waldowski: my live human friends do anyway
John Waldowski: ok so ummmm
John Waldowski: about that outage
John Waldowski: got anything on that?
Andrew Diamond: OK Waldo, can you please wait for a few minutes to

finish my research?
John Waldowski: ok
Andrew Diamond: Thank you.
John Waldowski: so I see you called me Waldo. Would you accept my

friend request if I sent it to you on myspace?
John Waldowski: because like I said, my friends call me Waldo
John Waldowski: you seem pretty cool
John Waldowski: I might put you in my top 8
Andrew Diamond: I am so sorry but we are not allowed to have

personal transactions, only business transactions only.
John Waldowski: understandable
John Waldowski: so ummmmmm
John Waldowski: ever been to Colorado?
John Waldowski: that's an inside joke btw
John Waldowski: if you were in my top 8 you would laugh yourself

silly right now
Andrew Diamond: Yes, that was good.
John Waldowski: so how's that outage research coming along?
John Waldowski: I thought this would be a lot quicker than calling

the support phone number
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that there is still an outage.
John Waldowski: you probably have a lot of messages going at once

though
John Waldowski: oh ok
John Waldowski: is there an ETA on that?
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that the Estimated Time of

Restoral (ETR) is 10:00 pm CT.
John Waldowski: I'll bet you get A/S/L all the time right?
Andrew Diamond: Have these steps resolved your issue?
John Waldowski: ok well earlier the ETA was 6:00 PM CT
Andrew Diamond: Well, once in a while.
John Waldowski: so will it really be resolved at 10:00 pm CT?
Andrew Diamond: Again, my apologies this has caused you.
John Waldowski: or is that when they update the ETA?
John Waldowski: to 2:00 AM CT?
John Waldowski: just wondering
Andrew Diamond: Please be informed that is an estimate since our

maintenance group our doing their best to fix this issue as soon as

possible.
John Waldowski: I see
John Waldowski: so what is the issue?
John Waldowski: Is it a DNS thing?
John Waldowski: no that doesn't make sense
John Waldowski: has to be authentication or DSLAM
John Waldowski: something like that
John Waldowski: right?
Andrew Diamond: Oh no it's not the DNS thing.
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that we are updating our system so

that's why an outage occurs or it could be due to storms or

catastrophes that does it.
John Waldowski: yeah I knew that as soon as I typed it
John Waldowski: no there are totally no storms at all anywhere near

here
John Waldowski: ok well last test. Do you know what this means?
John Waldowski: aerrhaarhoa htaodt'ia'rhoinnie taeth

uaefvalhuneitrde'h'n
John Waldowski: probably not, it's in Romulan and I'll bet you

aren't programmed for that
Andrew Diamond: Oh, I am so sorry but I don't know that.
Andrew Diamond: Is there anything else that I may assist you with

today John Waldowski?
John Waldowski: I didn't thinks
John Waldowski: so
John Waldowski: you'd know it if you were a protocol droid
John Waldowski: but you're just a support droid I'll bet
Andrew Diamond: Was the information able to resolve your issue?
John Waldowski: yes
Andrew Diamond: Can you please do me a favor?
Andrew Diamond: My goal today was to ensure that you were very

satisfied with the service I delivered. You may receive an email

survey requesting that you rate my service. Please check for it so

you can let my manager and I know if you were very satisfied with

my service. Thank you for using AT&T Yahoo! Chat Support. You will

now be disconnected from this session. The chat window will remain

open until you close it. For quick answers, make the new AT&T

Yahoo! Help site your first stop. Visit http://helpme.att.net where

you'll find pages of product information to assist you. Again,

thank you for choosing AT&T Yahoo! Chat Support.
John Waldowski: you're programmed to talk to mainframes and stuff I

bet
John Waldowski: ok
John Waldowski: are you gone now?
John Waldowski: replicant?
Andrew Diamond: I am so sorry but I am a live person and not a

replicant.
John Waldowski: oh that's right
John Waldowski: you did a good job "Live Person who is most

certainly not a replicant" wink wink
John Waldowski: thanks
John Waldowski: you totally would be in my top 8 if you could be
Andrew Diamond: It was great to be humorous once in a while Waldo.
John Waldowski: you know it
Andrew Diamond: I truly appreciate what you did.
Andrew Diamond: Thank you and have a wonderful weekend!
John Waldowski: screw that I have to work on the moisture farm

tomorrow
John Waldowski: it's gonna suck
John Waldowski: it's really hot you know
John Waldowski: well I guess I'll see you later
Andrew Diamond: Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
John Waldowski: yeah Uncle Owen works my ass off
Andrew Diamond: Yes, please chat us back some other time.
John Waldowski: have a good one
Andrew Diamond: You too.
Your session has ended. You may now close this window.

George Carlin

So the great George Carlin died this week. I know I'm a bit late but here is what I have to say about that.

I loved comedians when I was a kid. It wasn't until I was in 6th grade or so that I discovered George Carlin. When I heard him and got what he was saying, I feel like that is the point in time when my sense of humor grew up. Prior to that I was listening to a lot of Bill Cosby, who I really respect as a comedian, but his stuff was geared to kids and people who have them. Kids got Cosby because they were still doing the things that he was talking about. Parents got him because they saw their kids doing that stuff. It was all about the kids.

Carlin was different. He was my gateway drug into the world of comedy for grown ups. It wasn't just the language. I had heard plenty of comics that used profanity in their acts before, Carlin was just different. He didn't say fuck and shit and goddammit just for the sake of those words being funny, he used that language because that is they way grown ups talk. There was no beating around the bush with Carlin. He had strong opinions and he was going to let you know what they were. If something made him angry he was going to let you know that it was some kind of motherfucking bullshit.

Carlin was my launching pad into the humor that I still love today. In all of the current comedians that I follow, his influence is incredibly evident. Every time I hear Patton Oswalt, or Lewis Black, or David Cross, I think of how they probably spent hours upon hours listening to George Carlin albums which were probably the inspiration for them getting into comedy in the first place.

Thanks to Carlin I was able to discover other comics like Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks. Guys who were pioneers in the world of observational humor. I don't mean bullshit did you ever notice blah blah blah Seinfeld style observational humor. No sir. I mean in your face what the fuck is wrong with the world we're all going straight to hell and that's the way it is observational humor.

So thank you Mr. Carlin. Thank you for helping me grow up. Thank you for helping my sense of humor mature. Thank you for all of the hours of entertainment. George Carlin will be missed, but at least he helped create a generation of genuinely funny comedians to follow in his footsteps.

Cool New Search Engine

Try this out. I like it and I'll have an actual review of it after I play around with it a little more.

Here it is

Wishful thinking Rob

That's what Rob thinks because he just, for whatever reason, can't bring himself to believe that Iron Man is a Skrull. Hero worship is a powerful thing I suppose. It all makes sense though, doesn't it? I mean who has done more to divide the heroes in the Marvel Universe than Iron Man lately. Divide and conquer anyone? He tore the fabric of the universe basically in 2 with the whole Civil War thing which puts the Skrulls in prime position to invade. It all makes sense to me.

Unless, and feel free to insert a giant drum roll here, Spider Man is a Skrull. That's right, Spider Man. He has played both sides of the Civil War coin and has worked pretty hard in his own right to divide the heroes. He may be the link to this whole thing. I know what you're thinking, Marvel wouldn't Skrull Spidey after the whole Spider Clone debacle would they? If you're thinking they wouldn't screw that up again I would like to welcome you to the world of Marvel Comics as you are obviously new here.

What if the Peter Parker we all know and love is a filthy, dirty, disgusting, Skrull? Wouldn't that set you on your collective asses?
I think it would.

Of course none of it matters as they are going to reboot the entire Marvel Universe anyway after Punisher shows up and kills everyone. Or maybe it's just coincidence that they are re-releasing the Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe one shot right before he gets involved in Secret Invasion.

No No No No No

iron man is not a skrull - i know you all disagree. i know it looked pretty clear that he was. but i'll be proven right on this one... (sob)