so i'm in third grade and i'm in oklahoma staying with one of my aunts. she decides that she's tired of watching me stare listlessly at the floor, so we hop in the car and drive down to the local woolworths (i just lost any reader under 30 with that reference) so i could get a new toy. i looked around at all of the balsa wood gliders, plastic army men, etc., before inching my way over to the location i knew i would be begging from - the he-man aisle. i worked my way through the collection, looking for toys i didn't already have, and my eyes fell on a brand new toy - kobra fucking khan. he wasn't available at any of the stores at home, so of course i had to have him. for those not in the know, kobra fucking khan - from here on out referred to as kfk - had a hollow body that could be filled with water, and when you pressed down on his head he would spray a mist that would paralyze anything it came in contact with...if that's not a must-have i don't know what is. but now for the reason that you would think.
there was this girl that lived down the street from me, and she was a complete and total bitch to everyone around her. the plan running through my sociopathic brain was that i would talk my aunt into buying me kobra khan, i would take him home, i would fill him with acid, and then i would trick the girl into letting me spray her in the face. once she melted, the neighborhood would be safe again, and i would be a hero. i pictured her face running off her skull like the ending scene in raiders - it was a plan that couldn't fail.
reasons why the plan failed:
1. did not think through the logistics of putting acid in a plastic toy.
2. did not consider where a third grader finds acid.
3. did not know about modern forensic techniques that would have landed me in jail.
well, i got back to my aunt's place, waited for her to go to bed, searched all over the kitchen to find out where she kept her acid - i'm not sure why i thought you would keep something like that in the kitchen - and then admitted defeat. so i sat around all weekend watching cartoons and filling kfk with dr pepper and then drinking out of his hollow corpse...
(rob)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Rob, i would have never guessed that you were troubled as a child - i figured you were normal until you met Mr. Don't Touch Me Captain Freakshow who strangely looks a lot like he is related to you....
Good to see you are still alive, and i hope that you stopped drinking out of the head of a half man half snake decorated with LEAD PAINT!!!!!
Post a Comment