A morning of epic proportion

Today I had the most awesome morning I have ever had. Ever.

I watch a show called Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. I'm a bit of a food geek so this show intrigues me to no end. A large chunk of my TiVo is dedicated to the Food Network and food related shows on the Travel Channel. Anyway, Andrew Zimmern will eat any motherfucking thing you can imagine. There is one food, however, that even he is not able to eat. It is his nemesis and I have seen him make a wholehearted effort on more than one occasion to eat this food to no avail. He simply cannot bring himself to do it. This food is a fruit called a Durian. The smell is evidently overwhelming and he just can't do it. When I was reading the Fort Worth Weekly Best of 2008 issue on the way to the train station, I discovered that there is a Vietnamese restaurant near my house that makes Durian smoothies. My heart leapt with joy at the prospect of being able to sample this fruit, albeit in a smoothie and not it's natural form, for myself. I am not in any fashion overstating the excitement level that I had at that very moment. From the very first time that I learned of the Durian I knew that I would have to try this at some point in my life and now, on this glorious Friday, the opportunity has presented it to me. The only bad news is that I will have to wait until this weekend to sample this exotic delight.

I was already swimming with delight upon this news, when something else incredible happened to me. I arrived at the train station prepared for my normal, mundane ride to work. I was looking at the news paper racks and I noticed the headline on the above the fold in the StartleGram. The actual name of the paper is the Fort Worth Star-Telegram but I prefer to call it the StartleGram because it is basically a pile of shit newspaper that specializes in sensationalistic journalism. That's why I read the Dallas Morning News even though I live in Fort Worth and hate Dallas with a passion. Well looky there, I have gotten off topic. Time to get back on track.

I was looking at the front page of the StartleGram and the above the fold story was about a person who had died in one of the Tarrant County jails and how this could have been prevented. I saw the headline, saw the persons picture to the left of the story, and then read the first sentence of the story. Here is the first part of that sentence, "The death of a woman in the Tarrant County Jail..." I won't include the rest of the sentence in this little anecdote because it is irrelevant to the story on a whole, at least as it pertains to me.

It wasn't until I read this sentence that I realized, in spite of the fact that the story had a photo of the victim accompanying it, that this was a woman. This was the most hideous root hog of a woman I have ever seen. My inability to not say things out loud was nearly my undoing at this point. I said, to myself may I add, "That's a woman? She's better off dead."

Like I said, I said this to myself, I didn't even realize that there were other people near me thanks to my superpower (that being the ability to completely block out the presence of other human beings at will). Well evidently there was someone nearby, near enough to hear me in fact. And, as fate would have it, that person was the dead woman's cousin. Holy crap what are the fucking odds? He heard me and then yelled at me for being insensitive and some other words but honestly I was so flabbergasted at the first phrase to come out of his mouth, that being "That's my cousin jerk", that I didn't really hear a lot of the rest of what he said. I think I was gauging his ability to beat me up.

I apologized for being a jerk and he muttered some things and I just sort of walked away. He was a scrawny sort and I'm pretty sure I could have taken him but it's really best not to test these theories if you ask me.

That was awesome thing #2 in my morning. Nearly getting into a fight with a stranger because I said his cousin was better off dead. My morning, however awesome, was about to get even more awesome.

About 2 minutes after deftly avoiding fisticuffs with a scrawny mourning cousin of a root hog, I had to sneeze and couldn't. Wait Waldo, you say to yourself, this sounds like the part of the story that takes a dramatic turn for the boring. Ha Ha fooled you. This is where the awesome turns it up a considerable notch.

Here it is, not 2 minutes after the confrontation, and I have to sneeze but find myself unable to do so. I was, therefore, making that horrible scrunched up face that people make when attempting unsuccessfully to sneeze. The face that is akin to what Calvin looked like whenever brussel sprouts where forced upon him. Just as I was making this face, evidently, there were 2 people walking past me. Two people that I didn't not even know were there. And in mid can't sneeze face I heard a voice. Clearly a man's voice yet very effeminate. It said, "Are we that disgusting to you?"

This snapped me straight out of trying to sneeze mode and back to the real world. Before me were the 2 most effeminate black men I have ever seen standing there holding hands. I was stunned as I did not know what this guy was talking about. Evidently he thought that I was the sort that hates gay people and he had enough of people like me. This was his chance to make a stand. Problem is, I don't hate gay people. I could give a rat's ass who you fuck as long as it isn't a kid or an animal of some sort. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want if you ask me.

This guy was furious though. I had arrived at the train station a mere seven minutes ago and for the SECOND time, was having to size somebody up as a possible fight opponent. What the fuck? This is awesome. First the Durian smoothie and now two potential fights in seven minutes. This morning rules.

This guy who was mad at me was clearly the top in the relationship even though he was equally effeminate to his partner. I started to suggest that they may be doing this wrong and that at least one of them should be somewhat masculine. It's like 2 lipstick lesbians being a couple. That works great in my mind but I never see it in real life. Before I could make this suggestion he yelled something at me that jolted me to my very core. He yelled, "Are you disgusted because we're gay, or because we're niggers?"

Clearly this guy had quite a chip on his shoulder and if I didn't play my cards right I was going to get potentially jumped by two hardcore flamers and that would have been a bit embarrassing.

I told him I wasn't disgusted at all. I explained to him that I had just been trying to sneeze and that's why I had made that face. Luckily for one of us, his boyfriend stepped in to calm him down and they walked to the other end of the platform but he glared at me the whole time.

I was really excited at this point. A durian smoothie was in my immediate future and had narrowly avoided fisticuffs not once but twice in the span of seven minutes. What an awesome morning.

Just thought I'd share a slice of my life with you.