Wednesday, November 26, 2008

If you would like us to review something

a comic, a movie, a story you wrote (but not a poem though, fuck that, I hate poems period end of discussion), pics of you if you're a hot chick, pics of your girlfriend/sister/mom if they are hot chicks, anything at all really send it to fistyfistymonkeychan@gmail.com

We would like to have more reader interaction and that starts with getting readers. So America, nay the world, start reading.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Day before Lich King launched


Screenshotted this one myself. Day before WoW released WotLK, all servers were down for like 17 hours. There was a damned near 100 page thread of people bitching about it. Somewhere around page 84 I found this gem.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Headline Hall of Fame

Jogger runs mile with rabid fox locked on her arm

Click title for story

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Headline Hall of Fame

Ill. police take aggressive rooster into custody

Click title for story

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Miscellaneous Hollywood Bullshit

dexter - seasons 4 and 5
this one has been a little bit of a headscratcher for the past month or so. the series is based on a trilogy of books, and this season will end out the books. there was a part of me that was hoping they would go out on top and just end this season and walk away...silly me not thinking about hollywood. i'm still up in the air about this season, and i'm frankly not sure how much longer they can drag out the "oh my god they're going to catch me / oh thank god i'm safe" angle, but i'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt...the show is definitely dumbed down from the first half of the first season, but still a good watch every week...

no hulk 2
so marvel has been smart enough not to badmouth the hulk - at least before the dvd sales are in - and also smart enough to know that there's not going to be another one anytime soon. even as a comic nerd i wasn't in a rush to see this one, especially in a summer full of superhero movies. but the good news is that the hulk is not gone and forgotten by any means. marvel hinted that we would see the hulk again soon, just not in his own movie, which lends credence to the rumors that the avengers movie would have the team facing down a rampaging hulk...fingers crossed.

daniel craig turns down thor
thank fucking god! look, i loved the guy in layer cake and road to perdition, and i'm sure he's a great bond, but i really haven't felt the need to see him anything else. he's bland and pretty boring - kinda the blonde, english version of keanu reeves. they've had enough trouble between matt vaughn's 300m dollar budget and script overhauls already without having to worry about daniel craig coming in and mucking it up...might as well use jason statham if you're going to go that route. you've got kenneth fucking branaugh on board...don't fuck this up in the casting...

13 tzameti remake
speaking of jason statham...hollywood, fucking stop it! quit casting him in movies that he doesn't belong in, and quit remaking foreign films instead of using your distribution wing to make sure people see the real thing!

so, they've decided to remake the amazing film 13 tzameti - now simply called 13. if you haven't seen it, then quit reading and go put it on your netflix list. chud put it perfectly when they called it the audition of russian roulette movies - an hour of plot development followed by thirty minutes of you yelling "what the fuck" at the screen. great movie, and one that deserved a lot more love over here...

...and most likely will, but not the right kind. the original director has been given the option to direct, which is a good thing. but the casting consists of jason statham, mickey rourke, and 50 cent - or fitty as we call him on the street.

this is such a horrible fucking mistake. you're not going to be able to improve on the sheer weirdness of the film, so that means all you can do at this point is screw it up...maybe with a romantic lead - i'd suggest renee zellwedsksdksfder - and a happy ending where all the guns shoot happiness and fairy dust...maybe one of the characters learns something about himself in the process. i want to cut my wrists now...

(rob)

New Punisher Series

finally, a new series for the punisher. i loved war journal when it started out around the time of the death of captain america. the image of the punisher cap made for an awesome cover, and a great premise. then bucky took on the mantle and punisher kinda started slipping for me. around the time of the jigsaw storyline i quit reading altogether. i'll pick up the last few issues that deal with the skrull invasion, but it's a series that i'm done with.

same for the garth ennis punisher. ennis is one of the rare writers that i think honestly understood the character and what he stood for. his run will easily go down in my top twenty with no hesitation. but he dropped off and they brought on new writers, and again the quality starts to slip - like your favorite restaurant gone to pot. they used to serve the best steaks - lean, perfectly grilled, and just melt in your mouth. simple, but effective, and you just want more. and then they decide to skimp a little on the meat - but just a bit. and it may still be good, but you're nitpicking over every little piece of fat that wasn't trimmed off, upset about just a little too much char on the outside. and it's never the same.

so when i heard about a new series for the punisher today - set to debut in february, as soon as war journal ends its run - i was a little skeptical. any fan of the punisher has gotten used to having their heart broken over the years as people took a simple character and bastardized him rather than work with him (ahem...black punisher).

but i have mixed feelings. the little bit of art that i saw looks good - no runaways anime bullshit here folks - and the writer claims he's taking frank back to his roots...hunting criminals. and in a post civil war marvel universe full of unregistered super heroes - and villains - that means the new avengers had better watch their back. that's right, we're going to get punisher the way punisher used to play - going up against spiderman, wolverine, daredevil, etc...

...unless it derails with issue one, which has the punisher going up against the sentry...that's right, the motherfucking sentry...this is kinda like lois lane deciding to take on superman in a fight with no kryptonite. had they started with daredevil or spiderman, or even a return of the kingpin to new york i would have been on board, but punisher is the batman of our marvel universe - he's not superhuman, and to see him take on the sentry really makes me hestitant about the rest of the series...

but as always i guess we'll have to wait and see...if it's great it will still have to compare to ennis. and if it sucks...well we're all used to that by now...

(rob)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Captain America Found on Hulk DVD

http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/news/found-captain-america-in-the-incredible-hulk.php

ok, well this shows us a little more about the timeframe of captain america showing up in the marvel film universe. it's a little blurry, but that's definitely a frozen cap...

i'm giddy with comic geekness...the next few years are gonna be great ones for the comic nerds...

(rob)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Headline Hall of Fame

Farmer Could Be Fined For Pig Mud Wrestling


Click title for story

This also made for lollerskates


And would have made for spank bank material if it hadn't been for Biden.

This made ROFLCOPTER like crazy

You know what's awesome?


New pictures of Mercury that's what. Click title for pics.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Here's a good collection of links

I believe they approve links pretty well. Some links NSFW so watch out.

Click title to go to site.

Obey the Durian

Well here's what I can tell you about the Durian. Anything you may have heard about the overwhelming odor that they produce is true. If anything those reports may be understated. It pretty much smells like a swamp gone bad, and it's not as if swamps smell good to begin with.

I thought about not smelling it before I tried it but the food geek in me would not allow that. If I was going to do this I was going to do it right and get the complete Durian experience. So I took a big whif, then I thought to myself there is no way a human should ingest anything that smells like that, and then I took a sip.

The flavor is really hard to describe. At first I detected a sweet almond flavor but the swamp smell really spilled into the flavor. I wound up with a sweet swampy almond flavor kicking around in my mouth. Immediately I thought, this is a horrible horrible thing. I was, however, determined to finish this thing. Under no circumstances would I leave it on the side of the road or anything like that. I was in it for the long haul.

At about the halfway I went from holy christ I can't take another sip to wait a minute, there's something good in here. Literally for the first half of the beverage I had to struggle with every sip. Now everything had changed. I was now involved in an incredible flavor experience that had awakened me to a whole new world.

I rapidly consumed the remaining durian, with boba nonetheless, and I knew I would have to have more. The place that I got it was closed though. The next morning I got up and drove across town to get my second durian. This was completely different. The smell which less than 24 hours ago had repulsed me to no end I now found strangely pleasing. I tore into this one with reckless abandon. I couldn't get enough. Insanely delicious is the only way that I could describe it.

Tuesday I was at work. I had taken the train which means my car was not available to me. I hopped online and found a Vietnamese restaurant that was about 10 minutes away and convinced Rob to take me over there. I had already checked the menu and they had durian. He went with me and I told him he was going to have to get one. Begrudgingly he did, as he is also somewhat of a foodie and couldn't leave without at least giving it a try.

I hopped back into his car tingling with anticipation. I was also pretty excited to see how he would react to his. He smelled it first and nearly puked. He also said something like What the fuck did you get me into but I was too excited to care. I started drinking mine, enjoying the boba's which had already started to absorb the flavor of the durian and were roughly akin to durian flavored chewing gum. This was great.

Rob, however, did not share my enthusiasm. He tried 2 little sips and thought he might die. We got back to work where the entire office was fascinated by our little treats. I drank all of mine, that was 3 in 3 days. Rob then told me he was going to trash his and I told him the hell if he was. I took it and drank it right down. Make that 4 in 3 days.

I didn't have one yesterday but I drove to work today so rest assured that I will be getting one on the way home. I don't know if there are any hardcore Vietnamese places around you but you need to track one down and try this. I found several Vietnamese grocery stores that sell the actual Durian fruit and I will be picking one up to eat in it's natural form.

waldo

Although for my money

This is better than Rachel Ray. I'm just saying.

Rachel Ray

I'll admit it. I find her terribly obnoxious. I hear she's a horrid bitch. I don't even watch her shows anymore. But I would still like to bang Rachel Ray. So here's this for those that share my opinion.

Cina Carano is fighting tonight

The big story is Kimbo Slice vs. Ken Shamrock but I'm more interested in what Gina has to do to make weight.

Perfect Halloween Bread

This is awesome.

Click title for story.

Waldo

If you have the media in your back pocket,

and you tell the people that this financial mess is all the conservatives fault, then you will benefit even if the facts show you to be wrong.

Click title for story

waldo

Like most democrats

Joe Biden evidently does not know what a constitution is.

As always click title for story.

waldo

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Headline Hall of Fame

Watermelon-eating dog prompts stabbing

Friday, September 26, 2008

A morning of epic proportion

Today I had the most awesome morning I have ever had. Ever.

I watch a show called Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. I'm a bit of a food geek so this show intrigues me to no end. A large chunk of my TiVo is dedicated to the Food Network and food related shows on the Travel Channel. Anyway, Andrew Zimmern will eat any motherfucking thing you can imagine. There is one food, however, that even he is not able to eat. It is his nemesis and I have seen him make a wholehearted effort on more than one occasion to eat this food to no avail. He simply cannot bring himself to do it. This food is a fruit called a Durian. The smell is evidently overwhelming and he just can't do it. When I was reading the Fort Worth Weekly Best of 2008 issue on the way to the train station, I discovered that there is a Vietnamese restaurant near my house that makes Durian smoothies. My heart leapt with joy at the prospect of being able to sample this fruit, albeit in a smoothie and not it's natural form, for myself. I am not in any fashion overstating the excitement level that I had at that very moment. From the very first time that I learned of the Durian I knew that I would have to try this at some point in my life and now, on this glorious Friday, the opportunity has presented it to me. The only bad news is that I will have to wait until this weekend to sample this exotic delight.

I was already swimming with delight upon this news, when something else incredible happened to me. I arrived at the train station prepared for my normal, mundane ride to work. I was looking at the news paper racks and I noticed the headline on the above the fold in the StartleGram. The actual name of the paper is the Fort Worth Star-Telegram but I prefer to call it the StartleGram because it is basically a pile of shit newspaper that specializes in sensationalistic journalism. That's why I read the Dallas Morning News even though I live in Fort Worth and hate Dallas with a passion. Well looky there, I have gotten off topic. Time to get back on track.

I was looking at the front page of the StartleGram and the above the fold story was about a person who had died in one of the Tarrant County jails and how this could have been prevented. I saw the headline, saw the persons picture to the left of the story, and then read the first sentence of the story. Here is the first part of that sentence, "The death of a woman in the Tarrant County Jail..." I won't include the rest of the sentence in this little anecdote because it is irrelevant to the story on a whole, at least as it pertains to me.

It wasn't until I read this sentence that I realized, in spite of the fact that the story had a photo of the victim accompanying it, that this was a woman. This was the most hideous root hog of a woman I have ever seen. My inability to not say things out loud was nearly my undoing at this point. I said, to myself may I add, "That's a woman? She's better off dead."

Like I said, I said this to myself, I didn't even realize that there were other people near me thanks to my superpower (that being the ability to completely block out the presence of other human beings at will). Well evidently there was someone nearby, near enough to hear me in fact. And, as fate would have it, that person was the dead woman's cousin. Holy crap what are the fucking odds? He heard me and then yelled at me for being insensitive and some other words but honestly I was so flabbergasted at the first phrase to come out of his mouth, that being "That's my cousin jerk", that I didn't really hear a lot of the rest of what he said. I think I was gauging his ability to beat me up.

I apologized for being a jerk and he muttered some things and I just sort of walked away. He was a scrawny sort and I'm pretty sure I could have taken him but it's really best not to test these theories if you ask me.

That was awesome thing #2 in my morning. Nearly getting into a fight with a stranger because I said his cousin was better off dead. My morning, however awesome, was about to get even more awesome.

About 2 minutes after deftly avoiding fisticuffs with a scrawny mourning cousin of a root hog, I had to sneeze and couldn't. Wait Waldo, you say to yourself, this sounds like the part of the story that takes a dramatic turn for the boring. Ha Ha fooled you. This is where the awesome turns it up a considerable notch.

Here it is, not 2 minutes after the confrontation, and I have to sneeze but find myself unable to do so. I was, therefore, making that horrible scrunched up face that people make when attempting unsuccessfully to sneeze. The face that is akin to what Calvin looked like whenever brussel sprouts where forced upon him. Just as I was making this face, evidently, there were 2 people walking past me. Two people that I didn't not even know were there. And in mid can't sneeze face I heard a voice. Clearly a man's voice yet very effeminate. It said, "Are we that disgusting to you?"

This snapped me straight out of trying to sneeze mode and back to the real world. Before me were the 2 most effeminate black men I have ever seen standing there holding hands. I was stunned as I did not know what this guy was talking about. Evidently he thought that I was the sort that hates gay people and he had enough of people like me. This was his chance to make a stand. Problem is, I don't hate gay people. I could give a rat's ass who you fuck as long as it isn't a kid or an animal of some sort. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want if you ask me.

This guy was furious though. I had arrived at the train station a mere seven minutes ago and for the SECOND time, was having to size somebody up as a possible fight opponent. What the fuck? This is awesome. First the Durian smoothie and now two potential fights in seven minutes. This morning rules.

This guy who was mad at me was clearly the top in the relationship even though he was equally effeminate to his partner. I started to suggest that they may be doing this wrong and that at least one of them should be somewhat masculine. It's like 2 lipstick lesbians being a couple. That works great in my mind but I never see it in real life. Before I could make this suggestion he yelled something at me that jolted me to my very core. He yelled, "Are you disgusted because we're gay, or because we're niggers?"

Clearly this guy had quite a chip on his shoulder and if I didn't play my cards right I was going to get potentially jumped by two hardcore flamers and that would have been a bit embarrassing.

I told him I wasn't disgusted at all. I explained to him that I had just been trying to sneeze and that's why I had made that face. Luckily for one of us, his boyfriend stepped in to calm him down and they walked to the other end of the platform but he glared at me the whole time.

I was really excited at this point. A durian smoothie was in my immediate future and had narrowly avoided fisticuffs not once but twice in the span of seven minutes. What an awesome morning.

Just thought I'd share a slice of my life with you.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

No such luck Rob

I'm on my way to work now. Still feel like shit but I figured the bosses wouldn't take very kindly to me missing a 3rd day of work.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

When Will the Super Collider Just Get it Over With?

rashomon 2010
ok, this is just fucking stupid. first of all, yes, that's the official title of the movie, not a working title while they're filming. second of all, they're ditching a large part of the story and turning it into a courtroom drama. if you're going to do that then why do you need the fucking name. is hollywood really so far up its own ass that it thinks that the average american movie viewer - who they are responsible for dumbing down over the past 30 years - is even going to know what rashomon is, let alone know it well enough that they'll pack into theaters for a film that shares its name and little else?

i was all sorts of angry head last year when george clooney was talking about remaking seven samurai - with six japanese samurai and him as an american transplant none the less, but at least he was attempting to keep the plot somewhat similar to the spirit of the original, and at least he had the sense to ditch the project after sobering it up and thinking it through a little. i don't even have an insulting word big enough to describe how stupid this is. fuck you hollywood...fuck you.

dallas 2009 budget
so dallas passed their budget this week. and guess what their new revenue stream is going to be? apparently it's going to be charging out of town drivers a fee for getting into a wreck in their fine city. so if you drive through dallas and get hit by a car you're both going to be charged between 400 and 600 dollars for the wreck...oh wait. no, that's not right. if the driver that hit you is from dallas, well he won't get charged a cent. this is great for those of us in the surrounding area. i'm going to love driving from bedford to downtown dallas wondering if i'm going to end up being charged by the city for someone else's mistake...this should help drive tourism to unknown heights...good job dallas...

the bridge to nowhere debacle
biden and obama have both been making their snide comments the past few weeks about the alaskan bridge to nowhere - this would be the bridge that palin backed for awhile before flipflopping and saying no way once she got into office. but i notice that i'm not seeing much about the fact that both biden and obama had multiple chances to shoot down the bridge bill but both voted for it and were supporters of the plan...and people wonder why i get so angry about american politics...too many people treating the presidency like it's an episode of the hills and voting telegenic instead of intelligently.

the "honest to god they're real" palin pictures
if i have one more fucking person email me those horribly doctored photos of palin in a miniskirt or - even worse - the picture of her in a bikini holding a rifle and insisting that it's got to be real because they had it forwarded on from a friend that they totally trust i'm going to lose my fucking mind. do people have no concept of doing research anymore? we live in a society where anything you want to know is just a google query away and we still can't be fucking bothered. you can literally put anything you want into an email, send it to someone who will send it to someone else, and it's immediately fact.

seriously, i would pack my shit and move to europe, but they're so dumb at this point that they fined someone for not having a lifeguard present next to their inflatable wading pool...
my brain hurts...

(rob)

I Claim This Blog in the Name of (rob)

waldo has now been mia since saturday.

i thought about putting together a crack team of special operatives to go and find him in the jungles of vietnam, but then i realized that he may not be in vietnam, and it was kind of expensive.

so instead i have decided to stage a coup and claim this blog for my own. i will be renaming the blog 'Jim Carrey is my God' and will be updating daily on my favorite jim carrey (or jc as i call him) news, as well as reviews of his amazing filmography.

in addition i will be adding in a music section as well, featuring top ten lists regarding my favorite bands, such as 'ten reasons avril lavigne is more punk than the misfits', or 'the ten best fallout boy songs to listen to when getting over a breakup'...it's going to be so fucking punk rock!

this is going to be great...i hope waldo never comes back from vietnam!

(rob)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

In honor of the start of the new season, here's some awesome. Enjoy.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Alan Moore Hates Movies

Evidently he especially hates The Watchmen movie. And I think he may be full bore insane now. Click title for story.

Marvel prepares to ruin everything with zombies

Now Marvel is preparing to ruin their universe.

MARVEL ZOMBIES 3 issue 1 (of 4)
Written by FRED VAN LENTE
Penciled by KEV WALKER
Cover by GREG LAND
Board up Avengers Tower! Lock down the Baxter Building! The ravenous hordes of Marvel Zombies are invading ... the Marvel Universe! That's right, the next chapter of the MZ saga is a non-stop in-continuity gorefest with major implications for at least one Marvel hero! When the super-undead stumble into the MU from the Man-Thing's Nexus of All Realities, all of Florida is quarantined against the zombie plague. Time is quickly running out for a cure, so the Initiative sends a most unlikely group of heroes into the Zombieverse on a desperate mission to find the one item they need before the whole MU is consumed! The scream team of Fred Van Lente (INCREDIBLE HERCULES) and Kev Walker (ANNIHILATION: NOVA) unite for a Marvel Zombies story like you've never seen before!




Ok here's the thing, Marvel Zombies was awesome as a one shot by Kirkman. Then they started flooding us with it. And now it is going to tie into main universe continuity? What the fuck are they thinking?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Fun Statement Taken Completely in Context

Waldo (to Rob): You're a Mexican Lady. You have boobs and a mustache, those are the 2 key ingredients of a Mexican Lady.

Fun Conversations Taken Out of Context

Ledesma, Robert says:
maybe i can be the mexican woman youve always wanted me to be

Michaud, Rob says:
one can only hope...

Starring Ben Kingsley...

As Ian MacKaye. Yes Minor Threat Ian MacKaye. He was in some other band too but they are crazy overrated and pale terribly in comparison in comparison to Minor Threat so I won't mention. Title is link. Click it to see the video.

Kick Ass Movie

Ok maybe I am on board a little more with the Kick Ass movie after reading this script review.

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38376


Here's the thing, Nic Cage is a beating. However he has shown signs of greatness in the past. Namely Raising Arizona and Wild At Heart. I do know that he is a huge no bullshit comic nerd. This guy has been nuts for comics for a long time. Lately every fucking hollywood johnny come lately is claiming to be a comic nerd but Cage is the real fucking deal.

I'm not saying it will be great, I'm not saying it will even get the hard R or NC-17 that is should. I am saying it has potential to not defeat me nearly as bad as I thought it would.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Headline Hall of Fame

Yet another entry

Teacher OK after crashing into bear on a bicycle


Monday, September 8, 2008

random stupid shit i did as a child

so i'm in third grade and i'm in oklahoma staying with one of my aunts. she decides that she's tired of watching me stare listlessly at the floor, so we hop in the car and drive down to the local woolworths (i just lost any reader under 30 with that reference) so i could get a new toy. i looked around at all of the balsa wood gliders, plastic army men, etc., before inching my way over to the location i knew i would be begging from - the he-man aisle. i worked my way through the collection, looking for toys i didn't already have, and my eyes fell on a brand new toy - kobra fucking khan. he wasn't available at any of the stores at home, so of course i had to have him. for those not in the know, kobra fucking khan - from here on out referred to as kfk - had a hollow body that could be filled with water, and when you pressed down on his head he would spray a mist that would paralyze anything it came in contact with...if that's not a must-have i don't know what is. but now for the reason that you would think.

there was this girl that lived down the street from me, and she was a complete and total bitch to everyone around her. the plan running through my sociopathic brain was that i would talk my aunt into buying me kobra khan, i would take him home, i would fill him with acid, and then i would trick the girl into letting me spray her in the face. once she melted, the neighborhood would be safe again, and i would be a hero. i pictured her face running off her skull like the ending scene in raiders - it was a plan that couldn't fail.

reasons why the plan failed:
1. did not think through the logistics of putting acid in a plastic toy.
2. did not consider where a third grader finds acid.
3. did not know about modern forensic techniques that would have landed me in jail.

well, i got back to my aunt's place, waited for her to go to bed, searched all over the kitchen to find out where she kept her acid - i'm not sure why i thought you would keep something like that in the kitchen - and then admitted defeat. so i sat around all weekend watching cartoons and filling kfk with dr pepper and then drinking out of his hollow corpse...

(rob)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Thoughts on Juno

i don't have much to say about juno - mainly because i've ranted myself out over the past 8 months since i first saw it. unlike waldo i sat through the movie twice - well, partially twice. the second time i tried to ignore it because the wife wanted to see it, so i just sat at the computer browsing the internet and trying to keep my comments to myself. but unlike waldo this at least means that i saw the ending, which was probably even worse than the rest of the movie.

i HATED HATED HATED the language in the film. diablo cody made the rookie writer's mistake - the one that we all made in junior high and then grew out of...she made every fucking character in the film interchangeable from a language standpoint. every person in the movie was that hipster douchebag you see in coffee shops in big metroplexes. but somehow, in this magical little white trash town, everyone knows every underground band of the past 30 years, everyone has seen every movie ever made, underground or not, and everyone talks in a hipster jargon that would even make a 16 old roll their eyes - at least i would hope so, but judging by the giggling in the theater, idiots like hipster jargon.

home-skillet. pork sword. a preggo eggo. these are phrases that i never thought i would hear used with a straight face in my lifetime, and there they were up on the big screen in an oscar nominated movie...a fucking oscar nominated movie. and it made my teeth grind a little.

this movie exists only to make generic people feel like they're edgy, by throwing out mildly underground - but safe - references in order to make people feel like they're way the fuck out there. case in point. juno has lunch inside of the school trophy case...

IN THE TROPHY CASE!!! SILLY JUNO! YOU CAN'T EAT IN A TROPHY CASE...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

fucking piece of shit movie. anyway, so as juno and her friend are eating their lunch in the trophy case, and as her friend is talking the camera keeps pointing over her shoulder to a jauntily placed ramones sticker on the wall. and you could feel the glee rising up in the assholes in the theater as they told themselves "that's the ramones! i know that band, because i'm familiar with the underground!" and then they look around and they tell themselves "i bet no one else in here knows who they are. diablo cody made this movie just for me!"



now, imagine this same thing, but with movies, "street slang", and every other thing that they could throw in to make the users seem cool, and you've got juno. it's got the full indie poser checklist going:

quirky indie soundtrack - check! (if i were a tree...really?!?!)
quirky actress - check!
"fuck you mainstream hollywood" attitude - check!
mainstream hollywood ending - check!

this is what little miss sunshine wished it could be. i had so much hope for ellen page after hard candy. to be able to anchor a movie that dramatic at her age i thought she could do no wrong. but this was just horrible. and the worst part of it is that because she was so successful in it every script that came her way afterwards was the same horrible type of movie. and judging from what i'm seeing, she's taking every one of those roles...another great actress down the tubes way too fucking early.

i dunno. i guess i could bitch more about it, but why? i'm just wasting valuable time that i could be using to watch good movies instead. diablo cody, you should be ashamed...

(rob)

How Juno tried to kill me

Alright here's the thing with Juno and why it made me so incredibly when I went to see it at the Best Picture Showcase this year. It sort of works like this. They started off the day by showing Michael Clayton. This was the movie I knew the least about and had the lowest expectations of but boy did they prove me wrong, I thought it was a really good film. Up next was There Will Be Blood. Anyone who has listened to me talk about movies since February knows how I feel about this movie. It is FanFuckingtasFuckingtic. Hands down THE movie of 2007 which, as I mentioned before, is an impressive feat since 2007 was the rare year chock full of great movies. So 2 movies in and I am running on all cylinders. I've seen 2 great movies in the span of 5 hours. Things are looking good.

Then came Atonement, or as I like to call it, The Lunch Break. I was at this thing with my buddy Rob and my buddy Jeremy and none of the above were interested in watching this movie. We tried, Rob and I sat through the first 45 minutes and then we just couldn't take it anymore. We went outside and checked our watches and realized that through some trick of witchcraft, we had actually been in the theater for 15 minutes, not the 45 we initially thought. Even so I was not angry at Atonement being included in the Best Picture Nominee List. I was not angry because this was a long drawn out boring period piece and the Academy gets their panties super wet for shit like that. So I gave Atonement a pass figuring there was nothing I could do about it and Rob and I went into the mall to pass 2 and a half fucking hours until that thing was over. Perhaps more on that later. If I'm in the mood. We ran into Jeremy while we were there and he laughed because he knew better than to even attempt watching that shit. Smart man that Jeremy is.

So we go back to the theater and Juno is next on the list. We return to our seats and there are about 15 minutes left before Juno starts. There are these 2 girls sitting in front of us who attempted to convince us that there was a really awesome tracking shot at the end of Atonement and it was worth it if only for that. This was a ruse commonly used by creatures with vaginas to convince creatures with penises to watch bullshit fucking movies and I wasn't falling for that for one fucking second I can tell you.

So bear in mind, I had already seen 2 awesome movies that day and now Juno was up. I was looking forward to seeing this movie, I really really was. I had heard all about how it was a smart, witty, comedy that would really appeal to the highbrow indie film crowd. Bloody Fucking Hell that's me. This should be great. Rob and I barely made it through the opening credits before that feeling of defeat started to sink in. This was not what I had been told it was. This was a lie of epic proportion. Someone would pay for this. Someone would pay indeed.

10 minutes in and all of the douchebags in the theater were howling with laughter at every bullshit thing that any character on the screen said. And all this is supposed to take place in Generic Suburbia yet all of the characters are chock full of artificially obscure pop culture references and they all talk to each other as though they were practicing for another Saturday at the Algonquin Hotel. I'm not buying it. You mean to tell me that there is not one idiot in that whole fucking town who really tries to say something witty but can only muster up a really loud, "Fuck you faggot?" I don't believe it one bit.

So like I said 10 minutes in and Rob and I can't take it anymore. Both of us are visibly angry. We decide it's time for a smoke. Jeremy was laughing his ass off. Not at the movie, but at watching Rob and I shoot each other are you fucking kidding me looks every 30 seconds. The three of us step outside into the comforting, Juno free air, and start to bitch. Loudly. I bitched extra loud so as to try to protect anyone who may be headed for the ticket window with the intent of purchasing a ticket to Juno. "Don't do it", I would yell. "It's a trick. Save yourselves."

Here's the thing, if Juno hadn't had critical acclaim heaped all over it I would have most likely dismissed it as just another shitty movie that I could ignore. I could throw it on the pile with things like Napoleon Dynamite and Superbad. Those must see comedies that everyone says you have to see but that inevitably suck balls and make me question the intelligence levels of the people who say that I should see them. But Juno was different. This was getting recommended by people I typically respect when it comes to their cinema opinion. Let that be a lesson to me.

It was just that this movie was so predictable and so ridiculous at every point. Oh here's a really sappy moment that we will break up with a zinging wisecrack. That'll get the crowd going. Diablo Cody is a fucking hack, plain and fucking simple. No two ways around that. But she is a clever hack. She filled a marketing niche and took it over quite nicely. She made a movie that really worked for people who wanted to have some indie cred but didn't want to have to actually work for it.

Like I said, had this movie not been nominated for Best Fucking Picture, it wouldn't upset me in the least that it was made. But it was nominated. In a year full of great films, someone had to get passed up to make room for Juno. Are you fucking kidding me. Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, one of the most beautifully shot films you will see in your life, seriously, it is Kurosawaesque in its beauty, couldn't get a best picture nod. Had to have Juno in there. Gone Baby Gone, Away From Her, Sweeney Todd, none of those could get a nomination. Hell even Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, which I though sucked with the exception of lots of scenes that had a naked Marissa Tomei in them, could have been nominated over Juno. At least it had Sidney Lumet directing it.

So that is the key right there, really good films and for that matter even mediocre films, got passed up so that everyone could trip over their dicks talking about how great Juno was. And that infuriated me. We went out to smoke and then returned to watch the rest of Juno. Blood pressure steadily increasing, we made until about the last 20 minutes. Then I was too agitated by the commoners surrounding me in the theater and I had to go out and smoke again. We did that and made it back in for the very tail end of the credits. No great loss there I can tell you. I have no idea how Juno ends, and I don't really give a shit. I haven't been that angry about a movie existing since the Matrix came out and I doubt that I ever will be again.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

bleh

saving my pennies for the queers show at doublewide at the end of the month...must have shirt that fits. my last one was given to me in '96 when i was much much skinnier, and if i wore it now i'd incredible hulk myself right out of it...

i'm so far behind on my comics reading that i'll never catch up...and i can't read wizard anymore without ruining the story. when i download my comics tonight i'll be three months behind...methinks it's time for a saturday comics marathon.

oh yeah, and i wanna do nasty things to vp nominee palin's face...yum.

(rob)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Headline Hall of Fame

Here's another one.
Hide-and-seek turns up abandoned baby in bushes

Sarah Palin in as VP


McCain has chosen Sarah Palin as his VP candidate. This will work well for him as she is young and a woman. A hot woman at that.

When asked for comment on Obama's campaign, she was apparently referencing the fact that he already seems to think he's the president when she quoted her husband.

"Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Headline Hall of Fame

So I decided that I would post actual headlines that are awesome in a Headline Hall of Fame. Here is the first entry.

Dad chops son's hand off in banana fight

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My conversation with AT&T IM support

Here is the transcript.






Please wait while we find an agent to assist you...
Thank you for contacting AT&T Internet Services, my name is Andrew

Diamond. One moment while I review your information.
John Waldowski: ok I'm waiting
Andrew Diamond: Hi and Good Afternoon John Waldowski!
John Waldowski: hi
John Waldowski: are you there?
Andrew Diamond: Yes I am.
John Waldowski: I was wondering if you could update me on an outage

in my area
John Waldowski: I was given an ETA of 6pm but my service is still

not working
Andrew Diamond: I see that you have issues with an outage, is that

right?
John Waldowski: I have a number that I believe ties to the notes
John Waldowski: yes
John Waldowski: the number is 881445
Andrew Diamond: I apologize for the inconvenience this has caused,

we value you as a Member and I assure you that I will do my best to

assist you with this issue.
John Waldowski: can you tell me about this
Andrew Diamond: Please give me a few minutes to pull up your

account and check on the outage as well John Waldowski.
John Waldowski: I'm still waiting
Andrew Diamond: By the way, what is your location?
John Waldowski: do you see my account
John Waldowski: Fort Worth TX
John Waldowski: I would assume that would be in my account

information
John Waldowski: how do I know that you're a real person
John Waldowski: and not a replicant
Andrew Diamond: Thank you and I will continue with my research on

your issue.
John Waldowski: you didn't answer my question
John Waldowski: are you a replicant from the future who is really

here to destroy this dimension of reality and take all of us as

slaves for the alien hive mind?
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that I am a live person John

Waldowski so don't worry about it.
John Waldowski: or just a support guy?
John Waldowski: that doesn't sound like something a live person

would say
John Waldowski: my friends call me waldo
John Waldowski: by the way
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that we are the Chat Technical

Support Department so don't worry on your issue.
John Waldowski: my live human friends do anyway
John Waldowski: ok so ummmm
John Waldowski: about that outage
John Waldowski: got anything on that?
Andrew Diamond: OK Waldo, can you please wait for a few minutes to

finish my research?
John Waldowski: ok
Andrew Diamond: Thank you.
John Waldowski: so I see you called me Waldo. Would you accept my

friend request if I sent it to you on myspace?
John Waldowski: because like I said, my friends call me Waldo
John Waldowski: you seem pretty cool
John Waldowski: I might put you in my top 8
Andrew Diamond: I am so sorry but we are not allowed to have

personal transactions, only business transactions only.
John Waldowski: understandable
John Waldowski: so ummmmmm
John Waldowski: ever been to Colorado?
John Waldowski: that's an inside joke btw
John Waldowski: if you were in my top 8 you would laugh yourself

silly right now
Andrew Diamond: Yes, that was good.
John Waldowski: so how's that outage research coming along?
John Waldowski: I thought this would be a lot quicker than calling

the support phone number
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that there is still an outage.
John Waldowski: you probably have a lot of messages going at once

though
John Waldowski: oh ok
John Waldowski: is there an ETA on that?
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that the Estimated Time of

Restoral (ETR) is 10:00 pm CT.
John Waldowski: I'll bet you get A/S/L all the time right?
Andrew Diamond: Have these steps resolved your issue?
John Waldowski: ok well earlier the ETA was 6:00 PM CT
Andrew Diamond: Well, once in a while.
John Waldowski: so will it really be resolved at 10:00 pm CT?
Andrew Diamond: Again, my apologies this has caused you.
John Waldowski: or is that when they update the ETA?
John Waldowski: to 2:00 AM CT?
John Waldowski: just wondering
Andrew Diamond: Please be informed that is an estimate since our

maintenance group our doing their best to fix this issue as soon as

possible.
John Waldowski: I see
John Waldowski: so what is the issue?
John Waldowski: Is it a DNS thing?
John Waldowski: no that doesn't make sense
John Waldowski: has to be authentication or DSLAM
John Waldowski: something like that
John Waldowski: right?
Andrew Diamond: Oh no it's not the DNS thing.
Andrew Diamond: Please take note that we are updating our system so

that's why an outage occurs or it could be due to storms or

catastrophes that does it.
John Waldowski: yeah I knew that as soon as I typed it
John Waldowski: no there are totally no storms at all anywhere near

here
John Waldowski: ok well last test. Do you know what this means?
John Waldowski: aerrhaarhoa htaodt'ia'rhoinnie taeth

uaefvalhuneitrde'h'n
John Waldowski: probably not, it's in Romulan and I'll bet you

aren't programmed for that
Andrew Diamond: Oh, I am so sorry but I don't know that.
Andrew Diamond: Is there anything else that I may assist you with

today John Waldowski?
John Waldowski: I didn't thinks
John Waldowski: so
John Waldowski: you'd know it if you were a protocol droid
John Waldowski: but you're just a support droid I'll bet
Andrew Diamond: Was the information able to resolve your issue?
John Waldowski: yes
Andrew Diamond: Can you please do me a favor?
Andrew Diamond: My goal today was to ensure that you were very

satisfied with the service I delivered. You may receive an email

survey requesting that you rate my service. Please check for it so

you can let my manager and I know if you were very satisfied with

my service. Thank you for using AT&T Yahoo! Chat Support. You will

now be disconnected from this session. The chat window will remain

open until you close it. For quick answers, make the new AT&T

Yahoo! Help site your first stop. Visit http://helpme.att.net where

you'll find pages of product information to assist you. Again,

thank you for choosing AT&T Yahoo! Chat Support.
John Waldowski: you're programmed to talk to mainframes and stuff I

bet
John Waldowski: ok
John Waldowski: are you gone now?
John Waldowski: replicant?
Andrew Diamond: I am so sorry but I am a live person and not a

replicant.
John Waldowski: oh that's right
John Waldowski: you did a good job "Live Person who is most

certainly not a replicant" wink wink
John Waldowski: thanks
John Waldowski: you totally would be in my top 8 if you could be
Andrew Diamond: It was great to be humorous once in a while Waldo.
John Waldowski: you know it
Andrew Diamond: I truly appreciate what you did.
Andrew Diamond: Thank you and have a wonderful weekend!
John Waldowski: screw that I have to work on the moisture farm

tomorrow
John Waldowski: it's gonna suck
John Waldowski: it's really hot you know
John Waldowski: well I guess I'll see you later
Andrew Diamond: Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
John Waldowski: yeah Uncle Owen works my ass off
Andrew Diamond: Yes, please chat us back some other time.
John Waldowski: have a good one
Andrew Diamond: You too.
Your session has ended. You may now close this window.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

George Carlin

So the great George Carlin died this week. I know I'm a bit late but here is what I have to say about that.

I loved comedians when I was a kid. It wasn't until I was in 6th grade or so that I discovered George Carlin. When I heard him and got what he was saying, I feel like that is the point in time when my sense of humor grew up. Prior to that I was listening to a lot of Bill Cosby, who I really respect as a comedian, but his stuff was geared to kids and people who have them. Kids got Cosby because they were still doing the things that he was talking about. Parents got him because they saw their kids doing that stuff. It was all about the kids.

Carlin was different. He was my gateway drug into the world of comedy for grown ups. It wasn't just the language. I had heard plenty of comics that used profanity in their acts before, Carlin was just different. He didn't say fuck and shit and goddammit just for the sake of those words being funny, he used that language because that is they way grown ups talk. There was no beating around the bush with Carlin. He had strong opinions and he was going to let you know what they were. If something made him angry he was going to let you know that it was some kind of motherfucking bullshit.

Carlin was my launching pad into the humor that I still love today. In all of the current comedians that I follow, his influence is incredibly evident. Every time I hear Patton Oswalt, or Lewis Black, or David Cross, I think of how they probably spent hours upon hours listening to George Carlin albums which were probably the inspiration for them getting into comedy in the first place.

Thanks to Carlin I was able to discover other comics like Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks. Guys who were pioneers in the world of observational humor. I don't mean bullshit did you ever notice blah blah blah Seinfeld style observational humor. No sir. I mean in your face what the fuck is wrong with the world we're all going straight to hell and that's the way it is observational humor.

So thank you Mr. Carlin. Thank you for helping me grow up. Thank you for helping my sense of humor mature. Thank you for all of the hours of entertainment. George Carlin will be missed, but at least he helped create a generation of genuinely funny comedians to follow in his footsteps.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Cool New Search Engine

Try this out. I like it and I'll have an actual review of it after I play around with it a little more.

Here it is

Wishful thinking Rob

That's what Rob thinks because he just, for whatever reason, can't bring himself to believe that Iron Man is a Skrull. Hero worship is a powerful thing I suppose. It all makes sense though, doesn't it? I mean who has done more to divide the heroes in the Marvel Universe than Iron Man lately. Divide and conquer anyone? He tore the fabric of the universe basically in 2 with the whole Civil War thing which puts the Skrulls in prime position to invade. It all makes sense to me.

Unless, and feel free to insert a giant drum roll here, Spider Man is a Skrull. That's right, Spider Man. He has played both sides of the Civil War coin and has worked pretty hard in his own right to divide the heroes. He may be the link to this whole thing. I know what you're thinking, Marvel wouldn't Skrull Spidey after the whole Spider Clone debacle would they? If you're thinking they wouldn't screw that up again I would like to welcome you to the world of Marvel Comics as you are obviously new here.

What if the Peter Parker we all know and love is a filthy, dirty, disgusting, Skrull? Wouldn't that set you on your collective asses?
I think it would.

Of course none of it matters as they are going to reboot the entire Marvel Universe anyway after Punisher shows up and kills everyone. Or maybe it's just coincidence that they are re-releasing the Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe one shot right before he gets involved in Secret Invasion.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

No No No No No

iron man is not a skrull - i know you all disagree. i know it looked pretty clear that he was. but i'll be proven right on this one... (sob)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

My Pull List for Wednesday

Ok here's the pull list for tomorrow.

All New Iron Manual
Captain Britian and MI: 13
Genext
Guardians of the Galaxy
Marvel 1985
Newuniversal: Shock Front
Punisher
Secret Invasion: Fantastic Four
Sky Doll
Wolverine: The Amazing Immortal Man & Other Bloody Tales
X-Men Origin: Colossus
and even a DC title Batman #676

I'll have reviews of these later in the week

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Waldo's take on Iron Man

So I went to see Iron Man on Monday night. I went into it with, in all honesty, limited expectations. A few months ago I was so excited about this movie I thought I might quite literally explode. I didn't, and the more I saw of this movie the less excited I was about it. I tend to do that with movies.

While I expected a watchable but ultimately mediocre telling of an Iron Man story, that is not at all what was delivered. They fooled me, those sons of bitches fooled me. This is, as far as I'm concerned, the best comic book movie ever made. If this is how Marvel studios plans to handle their films then that is alright with me.

On the surface it's simple enough. A slight update to the Iron Man origin, this one taking place in Afghanistan, was not nearly as distracting as I thought it might be. From there on out you have a lot of Tony Stark developing his Iron Man technology and drinking. Oh and also screwing beautiful women.

This movie was quite daring though. It is almost 45 minutes into the film before you see Iron Man. That's right, no costume at all for 45 minutes. This is unheard of in a comic book movie. What they did in those 45 minutes is where the genius is. They did something else practically unheard of in a comic book film, they developed the Stark character and make you care about him for reasons other than the fact that he's Iron Man. They gave us Tony Stark, the supercool billionaire that you could imagine having a few drinks with and hanging out. They gave us Tony Stark, the guy who has more notches on his bedpost than you would ever have if you lived a million years, but he still unresolved feelings for Pepper that hint at a longing for normalcy and stability. This isn't just a guy with a badass suit that hand's villains their hats. No sir. This is a guy with feelings and emotions who likes to have fun and live life to its fullest. And before you start with telling me all about the emotional struggle that Batman has to deal with, please understand the difference here. Batman has 2 emotions, anger and sadness. He's an emo kid with all the cool toys. Iron Man is a much more richly crafted character when it comes to depth of the emotional spectrum. You kind of get the impression that half the reason he continued to enhance the Iron Man armor was because flying around in it was fun. Yeah sure you can use it to save the world but flying is awesome, and chicks dig it.

The truth is, the ultimate showdown with the evil villain in this movie was the least interesting part. Don't get me wrong it was visually appealing and fun but I liked everything else in the movie so much better. I kind of thought, "Ok get this out of the way and let's have more Tony Stark".

And I don't care what certain people on the blog say, Jeff Bridges was really good. I thought he did a good job of playing both sides of his character's treacherous coin. He was Tony's best confidant and was very believable. He was also the guy that wouldn't let anything get in the way of his quest for power, including Tony Stark. Excellent work Mr. Bridges.

All in all I thought Jon Favreau did a great job of giving us a story that was interesting and was deep and richly layered. Anyone can give you a superhero movie that just has a lot of explosions and fight scenes in it. Few have even tried to give you one that has emotion and character development, and none have succeeded like this one did.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Review of Iron Man ("FatDragon")

So the first blockbuster to come out this year happens to be another superhero movie. And everytime one comes out I hold my breath to see what kind of damage can be done to a childhood icon and usually it leaves me with a that horrible feeling you get when Christmas comes and Santa didnt bring you that Radio Flyer you have been wanting all year long.

Even still, when Christmas comes that hope always comes back. Ready to build you up and let you down. So I went into Iron man with a negative attitude. Not expecting much but a few cheap laughs, your 1-2-3 of how an overprivledged man becomes a hero and of course the build up to what he can and cannot do. Take all of that and add Robert Downey Jr. to it, and you have a real life Tony Stark (with a drug problem) who eventually goes from being your everyday corporate man to a........Iron man? With a heart of gold, or shall I say sharp metal barbs.

Anyway, the sell is convincing. The story moves along at a fast pace and you do not find yourself checking the time or wondering when the movie picks up. It starts off that way and kind of just becomes a roller coaster ride, with a great ending. The dialogue is very similar to all Downey movies. It almost appears as if the script was written for him and him alone. Nothing Oscar worthy but enough to make you wonder what he will say next. Especially in a PG-13 movie and still be funny. You do have some hokey comic relief parts and of course the trial and error of testing out a heroes new powers, but overall very good. Gwyneth Paltrow has never seemed attractive at all until I saw her in this movie. A very good Pro. Sadly, the only true Con to the film is Jeff Bridges. Why is he in the film? Who thought that would make sense? How old is he?

Nevertheless, its a must see for all comic book fans.